IVF Consult

Yesterday we drove 3.5 hours to meet with the specialist in Baton Rouge. I have been a nervous wreck all week long. Haven't even really enjoyed my Spring Break - my mind has completely been consumed with IVF. I'm going to try and get all of the information out that they crammed into my head, but I'm so sorry if it comes out all jumbled up. But man they shoved a ton in our heads in the measly hour that we sat in the office chairs.

When we got to the clinic, we had to sit in the waiting room for about 20 minutes while a couple with a baby went back to talk to Dr. Dunaway. They were there to basically say thank you for helping them get pregnant and to show him their own little miracle baby. Ryle thought it was strange, but I thought it was incredibly sweet - I can't wait til the day we get to have that kind of appointment. Hopefully that day will come ... Anyway, we finally get called back so the nurse can take my vitals and see if there have been any changes to my medical history for the past two years. When she opened my file, this was the first thing we saw. This clinic always takes a picture on your very first visit with them so that they can put a face to the names. I love that idea and I love the picture. We haven't changed much in the two years we've been gone, except Ryle now has hair. While we were waiting on the baby couple to leave, Ryle got all comfy on the table. How come I never look comfy and relaxed when I'm sitting on that? Lol! Well I just had to take a picture of him ... he might kill me for posting it on here, but oh well!

Our very first visit to our RE way back in 2011 ... seems like ages ago

I'm never that relaxed when I get in these chairs! Haha!

It's finally our time to go see the doctor, and let me just stop right here and say I LOVE MY DOCTOR and I LOVE THE WHOLE STAFF!! We always leave there feeling so much better than we did when we walked in. This is what he said in a nutshell: 

1) He does not recommend having the surgery for my Endometrosis at this time - mainly because I was only stage 2 last time and because I'm not having pain yet. 

2) I show signs of PCOS which I already knew. My last baseline lab work showed my LH level to be 43 on Cycle Day 3. He looked at the levels and said "Wow you are very polycysticy!!" I'm not sure that's a word, lol but that's what he said! Just to give you an idea, the normal range for LH should be anywhere from like 2-11. So mine is CRAZY high, right? Yeah - I'm full of problems apparently! Our nurse said she hasn't seen numbers that high  .... story of my life!

3) We are good candidates for IVF especially with our age. He then went over the whole IVF process and since I've already done injectable cycles before, we will only be adding a few steps. He said assuming my eggs are good and Ryle's sperm are good, we have a 50-60% chance of this working. Much better numbers than the IUI percentages. And that also gives us a 25-30% chance of producing multiples - which I am okay with. I wouldn't mind twins. This woman will not be picky and I will NOT be one of those women that complain about all of the pregnancy symptoms - I've had to work too hard to get there, so I will gladly put a smile on my face every SINGLE day, even if I have to hang my head in a toilet because of morning sickness.

4) The nurse then went over ALL of the paperwork that must be completed, I'm basically signing my life away with consent forms. I got a whole folder full that we have to read over and bring back on our next visit.

5) So here's the game plan - 

    a) get approved for the loan 

    b) Call the clinic if I have not started my period by March 27th - they will then call me in some Provera to induce a period.

    c) Call the clinic on Day 1 of my cycle to schedule my baseline ultrasound and labs. We will also have to provide a semen sample for a semen analysis on this day. Ryle and I will both have our pre-screening labs done this day.

    d) I will then start the birth control that precedes the IVF cycle and have to go back for another ultrasound that cannot be completed with my baseline.

    e) Once all tests are done, we may begin the IVF cycle on April 30th (this will be the first day of injections). The nurse didn't think that I will have all of my pre-screening labs done by the April 11th window. But I'm ok with April 30th - closer to the end of school so I won't feel so bad for missing days for all of these appointments that I will have to keep. Since I'm talking about my job, let me just stop right here and say, I love teaching. I love that I get to be around such amazing kids each day, but when I became a teacher, I did not think that I would become such good friends with the parents. I can honestly say, that I have met some wonderful women and made some great friends. They are always there for me and I just love getting texts from them with encouraging words. MAKES. MY. DAY! So, thank you to those parents - you know who you are :)

Well that basically sums up our visit with the doctor. I've been on the phone with the finance company today. We are going to wait another week before we apply for the loan. Once you apply, and are approved, you only have 60 days to sign the paperwork or your approval is void. So Ryle and I decided to wait. We will call them right before I start my period. We want to make sure we are approved before we go in for all of the pre-screening tests - those are not included in the IVF package that we are buying. We have to pay for the screenings out of pocket.

I really hope that all made sense ... if not, feel free to comment below and I'll see if I can clear something up. Hopefully in a few weeks, I will be on here posting that we are approved and have results for all of the baseline tests.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you are enjoying your day with your loved one. My loved one had to work today, but still sent me flowers at school even though we celebrated last weekend! Love them ... And him too :) ! 

Today is a hard day for me. Two years ago, to the day, Ryle and I attempted our last IUI (I believe we've done 5 maybe 6 IUIs). We felt that it was a good sign to do the procedure on Valentines. The doctor said everything was looking good and what happened? I got my hopes up. I just knew that this time it was going to work. I could feel it. Well about 11 days later, I got my period. I didn't even get to finish the famous two week wait that all infertile couples know so well. It's devastating to have to mourn what you were hoping and praying for every single month and I was SO tired of feeling that way.

After that, I said I was done. I was done trying, done getting my hopes up, just flat out done! And for two years Ryle and I just enjoyed our time together. Did I still have bad days and still think about having a baby, hell yes! But it didn't consume me.

Then recently I found out I was going to be an aunt and a friend of mine had a baby, and I lost it. I lost the happiness that I had for the past two years. The hurt and need came crashing back at full force. Thank The Lord for my husband, because I could not have made it through these past few months without him. He's the only one who truly knows how I feel. But I am grateful that I have others in my life that I can turn and talk to - it always helps to talk to people who have gone through the same thing. I've come to realize that you can't understand unless you go through it yourself. So I know my family will never understand even bough I desperately want them to. This whole situation has torn my family apart. It will take a long time to get back to where we were ... If we ever do.

Ryle and I are scheduled to go back to the fertility clinic soon for an IVF consultation. We haven't told many people that we are going back, I've only told a select few - for several reasons, but that's another story. If they read this then they will find out. I have some things I need to ask the doctor about - having surgery for my endometriosis again, thyroid, are we even good candidates for this, etc. I don't know when or if we will actually get to the IVF process, but I have to do something. I can't take it anymore, so this is us doing something. We are going to talk to him and see what he has to say about our situation. But seriously, how do people pay for this? It's crazy expensive. These are the prices for the clinic - to be clear, it's not per egg. It's per cycle - so for one cycle the $10,600 is for one fresh egg cycle ... Not for one fresh egg. And you can add anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 for medicine per cycle! (Sorry for the phone picture quality)

                                     

Anyway that's all that's been going on here. Enjoy your valentines day with your loved one ... I sure am missing mine right now! 

St. Gerard

A sweet friend and past coworker came to visit me a few weeks ago and gave me such a sweet gift. It's a St. Gerard bracelet - he's the patron saint of mothers. Here's a little explanation from a quick internet search - Wikipedia is my best friend!! Here's a picture of it too ... I love it! (Sorry for the phone picture quality!)

                                 

  

One miracle in particular explains why Majella became known as the special patron of mothers. A few months before his death, Gerard visited the Pirofalo family and accidentally dropped his handkerchief. One of the Pirofalo girls spotted the handkerchief moments after he’d left the house, and she ran after Gerard to return it. “Keep it,” he said to her. “You may need it some day".

Years later when the girl--now a married woman--was on the verge of losing her life in childbirth, she remembered the words of the saintly lay brother. She asked for the handkerchief to be brought to her. Almost immediately the pain disappeared and she gave birth to a healthy child. This was no small feat in an era when only one out of three pregnancies resulted in a live birth, and word of the miracle spread quickly. Because of the miracles God worked through Gerard's prayers with mothers, the mothers of Italy took Gerard to their hearts and made him their patron. At the process of his beatification one witness testified that he was known as "il santo dei felice parti"--the saint of happy childbirth.

This devotion has become very popular in North America, both in the United States and Canada. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gerard_Majella)

Not much has been happening here! Works been pretty good - glad to have my two big observations over with for the year! And they were both great by the way :)! Still haven't spoken to my family and right now, I have no desire to. I'm enjoying time with my husband drama free!! 

I did start weight watchers two weeks ago and have already lost five pounds - yay! I also signed up for a 5K in March! So I better get to running! Enjoy the rest of your week!! 

Not alone

This is a short post, I just wanted to share this blog that a sweet friend sent to me letting me know that I'm not alone. Thank you for thinking of me. The blog truly hits home ...

You can check out the blog (From One Degree To Another) she sent me here:

http://natepyle.com 

The title of the post is "The Disgrace of Infertility"

Same old, Same old

Well vacation and the holidays are OVER! And I am so HAPPY that the holidays are over. I'm kind of glad to be back to work because it keeps me busy and my mind off of things, but let me tell you- I'm ready for my kiddos to go outside and release some energy! Haha! It's been too cold and rainy here lately. Our hot water pipes froze Monday night it was so cold. Glad it's slowly warming up. Louisiana folks aren't used to weather cold enough to make our pipes freeze!

Before I type the rest of this, I just want to say that I have the best husband ever. He truly is my rock and I couldn't have made it through the past few weeks without him. The infertility may be tearing my family apart, but it has made Ryle and I a stronger couple. 

Well my brother finally replied to my text where I apologized and explained my feelings to him. The text I sent was a truly heartfelt text (approved by several people), but he thought - in his words, that I was being a bitch (that was the short version). His reply pissed a few people off. But Ryle and I came to these terms- we don't need people in our lives who don't understand. So if you don't like the way we feel or the way we handle it, then I'm sorry. But we have every right to feel the way we do, and we have the right to handle it the way we do - anyway that will protect us. Because honestly, and I TRULY believe this, no one will understand until they experience it themselves. No one will understand the grief, depression, hurt, or anger until they live through the experience themselves. And I pray no one will, but unfortunately, too many people experience this.

Ryle and I didn't spend New Years with family (for obvious reason), instead we spent it with our new neighbors. At first I didn't want to go, but Ryle convinced me that it would be a good way to take my mind off of things. That didn't happen though, because we found out that several others in our neighborhood are experiencing infertility too. Although a lot of the time was spent discussing fertility issues, it's nice to know I have others I can go talk to if I need to. And it was nice to ring in the new year with people who weren't upset with us for feeling the way we do. We rang in new year with people that understand how we feel- I'm hoping that's a good sign that this will be a great year! So here's to a great 2014!!!

This is me being selfish ...

I'm sure this post will make my family even more upset with me .... But this is me being selfish I guess. My blog is a place for my thoughts and feelings. You do not have to keep reading it if it is going to upset you.

Well apparently I'm a selfish daughter/sister who holds grudges to hurt other people. It always feels good to have your own family tell you that. Two of the people that I'm pretty close to or thought I was close to don't even get it.

This was the worst Christmas I have ever had. I cried all Christmas Eve, half the night Chistmas night, all day the day after Christmas, and at least half the day today. You wouldn't think I would have any tears left, but apparently I do. My eyes actually hurt from crying so much.

When I found out on Christmas Eve that Matt and Morgan were coming to my house for Christmas the first thing I thought was - "how am I going to get away if I have a breakdown". I know you are thinking why wouldn't he be there. I honestly didn't think he would show. He didn't come to Thanksgiving or our brothers wedding, so why Christmas?! Anyway ... So my husband convinced me to ask if we could move it to my moms house - my mother in law even agreed. That way if I broke down, we could easily get away. Everyone started getting upset and saying that I shouldn't be angry and just enjoy Christmas! But guess what?! I'm not freaking angry! I just wanted a way to leave. I never said I didn't want them there or anything like that. I just wanted to be able to leave if I needed to. Is that so bad?

I finally said forget it, we will keep Christmas at my house. Well there was no way for me to leave if I needed to since I was the host. So my amazing sister in law and hubs drank with me for a while to take the edge off. And guess what? When Matt and Morgan got there I didn't break down. Was I sad, yes! And I didn't speak to them. But for me to be in the same room was an accomplishment. And at least 3 of my loved ones got that! So thank you for understanding - you know who you are!

Then while I'm trying to hold it together I get asked if I would be upset if it was another brother who was having a baby! In front of everyone! And I didn't lie. My answer was yes! It doesn't matter who it is, it's the fact that it's a baby! Why doesn't anyone get that?! Long story short because I'm not going into all the details of that but now my family thinks I'm asking them not to live their lives and they think I'm wishing my infertility problems on them. You can call me selfish and say I'm holding grudges all you want. But that just let's me know that they truly don't understand me or my feelings. Because this is the worst pain and hurt and I would wish it on no one.

I told Matt (even though he won't reply to my texts) and my sister in law the same thing. I will love your babies no matter what because I love you, but that doesn't make it any easier or make it hurt any less. The pain is still there. The void is still there. It doesn't matter who the parents are, the pain still comes when others can get so easily what I have so desperately struggled to have. Do I want to be an aunt, no. But not because I don't want my siblings to not have kids. It's because I'm not emotionally ready to handle it. And yes I know that I'm already going to be one and I can't do anything about it. And it hurts. But I will still love their kids and be in their lives because they are my family and I truly love them- even when we don't see eye to eye.

I'm sorry everyone is upset with me but let me ask you something. If there was something that hurt you so badly that you emotionally broke down and were depressed about, would you want to be around it? No you wouldn't. So avoiding babies and pregnant women protects ME! I'm doing it to protect myself from breaking down so if that makes me selfish or means I'm holding a grudge then oh well! I'm doing what I need to do for me I'm not doing it to hurt others.

I understand that none of you were there each month when I got a negative test or got my period or had to listen to the doctor tell me again that it didn't work. I understand you didn't have to mourn the loss of what you hoped to have each month. I understand it wasn't you that had to take shots twice a day or pump your body full of drugs. I get it. So all I'm asking for is a little understanding. I'm just HURT. It's always there. Never goes away. I hope you never have to go through what I've been through the past 5 1/2 years. But you know what? If you do have to go through it, I can honestly say that I will understand every single moment of disappointment, hurt, and whatever else you feel. And I won't JUDGE you for it.

There's no way for me to make anyone understand unless they've already been through it. So I'm not going to try to anymore. If you all want to call me selfish or say I'm holding grudges then there's nothing I can do about it. That's your choice and your opinion on it.

I would never wish this on anyone and for my OWN family to think that I wish this on them, well that just really hurts my heart even more.

Thank you for making me feel loved

I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who called, sent me a text, emailed me, or came to speak to me in person after my last post. It means more than you will ever know. I'm sorry if I couldn't talk to you about it. It's not the easiest thing for me to talk about. But I just wanted you to know how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me that you love me, to share a story with me, or to just listen to me vent/cry.

A lot of you tell have told me to keep the faith and trust in God, that He didn't bless Matthew with a baby. I just want you to know how hard that is, because to me - someone who has tried for over 5 years to have a baby of my own - a baby is a blessing, they are miracles. So why is he blessed? What did he do to deserve that blessing? What have I done wrong? How can I not question Him? Is His plan really for me to suffer like this?

Several people have asked me what Matt's going to do ... and honestly, I have no idea. We aren't exactly on speaking terms. I pray they don't have an abortion - I'm totally against it for obvious reasons. I think adoption would be the best thing for them all. But I'm sure they will keep it ... I just hope they change their lifestyle, for the baby's sake.

Today I got to have a movie and dinner date with my brother and sis-in-law (love ya Willie and Megan) ...As I was leaving dinner tonight, driving home in the jeep, the song "I Would Die For That" came on my iPod. Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out again. The song explains how I feel so well. Because I have been given so much - I have an amazing family, a great job, a nice house, nice vehicles, puppies that I love, great friends, the best husband ... but there's just a void that nothing will fill. Anyway, you can watch the video if you want. I posted it on the blog a long time ago. I can't believe 2/14/14 will be 2 years since our last attempt ....

There aren't even words ....

Well this post is going to be a mix of a couple of different topics since it's been forever since I blogged. In the last post I promised pictures of the new house! We absolutely love it here. We closed about 3 months ago. Here are a few pics to enjoy .... if you are my FB friend, then you have already seen these!!

Fall Decor

Christmas/Wedding Reception Decor

Last Saturday, my brother got married ... to my sister in law. Weird, I know. Bryan married my husband's sister. At least I know I like her! Haha ... it was a beautiful, rustic wedding .... and VERY cold. The temp was around 30, but with the wind chill, it felt like it was 26. Oh and we were in an old church with no heat!!! COLD!!! Here are a few pics that people took. We don't have the photographer pictures yet, but I bet they will be amazing!

Bride and Groom

Bryan (brother), My Dad, My hubby, My brother (Willie), and Bryan's Friend

I love the purple 

Brother and I before the wedding ... kinda blurry - sorry phone pic

Walking down the isle with hubs

Cutting the cake (phone pic) ... Reception was at our house.

Standing in front of the church ... love this!!

O.M.G. ... is this not the most beautiful picture ever?! 

Ryle and I before wedding ... trying to stay warm!

Just a warning ... the rest of the post is not a happy subject ...

Last week, I posted on FB "Life sucks ... The end". Well, I've had people asking what's wrong. I actually wrote the rest of this post a few days ago and just didn't know if I should post it or not. Well I decided to just post it. If my family gets mad at me, then oh well. It won't be the first time.

Thursday at 4:20, I feel like my world just crashed around me. I got news that I wasn't prepared for and I didn't/am not handling very well. I found out that I'm going to be an aunt. I should be excited about that, right?! Well I'm not. Oh and let's not forget I found out 10 minutes after I got a spray tan for the wedding. If you've never had a spray tan, let me tell ya - you can't get wet, anywhere water touches will leave a white spot. Do you know how hard it was not to bawl my eyes out? I did end up with white circles around my eyes from crying, luckily I was able to cover it with makeup.

I'm tired of crying and feeling sad. I'm tired ... I'm so tired. I had been handling the baby situation fairly well. We were focused on getting into our house and settled and then we were going to try and revisit the "trying". I feel like I'm the laugh of some twisted joke. My brother is headed down a path that will take him no where that a baby belongs in. Drugs. Probation. Rehab. Oh and he's only 19 and not married. He can't even support himself. How is he going to support a baby? He has a lot of growing up to do. I'm sad ... for the baby ... for me ... for him ... for the girl .... for the whole situation.

Someone please ... please tell me how he can be blessed with the miracle of a baby?! Ryle and I have been trying for about 5 years and can't even pay to have a baby. I don't understand. Why do I feel like I'm being punished? Why can't we have one? Please don't say "I'm sorry, it's just their time" or "Unfortunately, it's their time and not yours" or "It will happen one day" and please don't ask me to come to a party to see all of the new babies. Those don't make me feel any better. I want to know why God is granting them that blessing and not us. Why? I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars on medicine, doctors visits, therapy, been poked and prodded on, had surgery, been tested like a lab rat, and had thousands of needles leave bruises on my thighs and stomach from all of the medicine. I've charted my body temp, charted my cycle, had IUIs, etc. What is it going to take? How come other people get to just screw up their life and have a baby? Why can't be be blessed with a baby? That's all I want out of life ... to just hear someone call me mommy ...

Help me understand ... because I'm just so tired ... of all of it ... I'm just tired ....

Sneak Peek ....

Wow! I have been so busy lately! I feel like I live at school - I'm seriously get there about 7:15 and stay til about 5-6 each night, not to mention I spend most of my Saturday's there. I know it will get better as the weeks go by, but man August and September are always crazy!

This post is going to be really short! I'm just posting some pictures of the finished classroom! Sorry for the phone quality pictures! I have such a great group of second graders - it's going to be a GOOD YEAR!
Ok ... here we go .....

My AR Goals Board - I just have to add their names :)

Getting Started ... Halfway There ... You Did It! ... and Look Who Got Their Dog bone (not pictured)

My door

Reading Genre's Posters from The Tattooed Teacher

Punctuation Posters - Freebie! and my AR Computer

Math Posters and AR Goals board

Daily 5 Posters, Reading Genres Posters, and my adorable first day of school picture frame!!

Character Trait Posters from Mrs. Pollard and my I Can Write Board from A Cupcake For the Teacher

Star Student Board

School News Board and all of my "teacher mess" on the shelves

Calendar Area

Classroom Library - Books are organized by AR level, and all my math "stuff"

My precious clipboard and bag of goodies from a sweet girl! This made the first day back even better :)

Well we are supposed to close on our new house in about 3 weeks! We shall see if the builder has it done by then! I hope so! I'm so ready to be in my own house! I. CAN'T. WAIT! Seriously! I don't want to jinx anything ... but here's a sneak peek ....

Ryle and I on the land before the slab was even poured in April! We signed the contract a few days before.

This was the progress as of Mother's Day

Not sure when this was taken ... my guess is June.

You will have to wait til closing for the rest .... :) 

Final Days

Well I am now in the final days of summer vacation! I start school on Monday. I wanted to enjoy my last week of summer, BUT I have too much to do in my classroom, soooo I've spent the last two days there from like 8:30-5! I'm excited and nervous about second grade all at the same time. I'm excited to start a new year and to get my class list. I'm nervous because I feel like I have no idea what I'm supposed to be teaching! I had my first grade routine down pat, but now I'm just lost! Luckily my coworkers are awesome and are helping me figure it all out!

It's been a busy summer with the house "mess", moving classrooms, my brother getting married, and vacation! I just want to say that I'm so glad my brother found someone that he can share his life with. Megan is the perfect match for William! They compliment each other so well.  Here are a few pics of the wedding! It was beautiful - HOT in July especially in Louisiana - but so pretty! So happy for them! Love you both :)

centerpiece

Her bouquet - pics of her dad and grandfather - LOVED THIS!

We were on the lake

Door to walk through

Hubby and I on rehearsal dinner night

Ruthie and Bryan

Mom and I

Couples

Signs for the road

He's so cute :) I love my hubby

Bride and groom

Her dress was amazing on her .... 

Where you sign the guest book

A sneak peek from the photographer - Unveiled Radiance - AMAZING PIC!!

Another sneak peek of the wedding!!