Terrible Thursday . . . and Friday the 13th

Well the title is really the only way that I know to describe these past two days.

Yesterday started off to be a good day. My kids were being pretty well behaved - for the end of the year anyway - and my husband brought me lunch at school. I couldn't wait to get home because we were going to pack for our weekend out of town and Megan was coming over to stay. But then I checked the mail .... and all hell broke loose.

We got one of those pre-approved loans in the mail, the kind where all you have to do is cash the check. You know? Well believe it or not, it was for $1205 - almost the exact amount that I needed for my medicine. I wanted to cash the check so badly, but Ryle said no we don't need to. So we started fighting and I went to lay down in bed just to get away from everything. While I was laying down, my Mother came over to get something and Ryle told her why we were fighting. So what does my Mom do? She tears up the damn check. Oh my gosh. I cannot begin to tell you how mad that made me. She said "Blame it on me, not Ryle because he didn't tear it up". I don't give a crap who tore it up. It was MY check. It had MY name on it. What gives her the right to take that away from me. I don't know whether we were going to cash it or not, but it should have been my choice. I should have at least been able to talk to Ryle about it some more and we should have been able to make that choice together. Her reasoning is that she was saving me from spending $3200 ... but guess what it wasn't that much. It was a loan you pay off in ten months and the finance charge was like $200. I'm still so mad ... and hurt. I literally sat in the bathroom for an hour and cried. Ryle and I got into an even bigger fight - yelling and slamming doors (I think we even broke one). We have never had a fight like that. It was a terrible Thursday.

No one understands why that check meant so much to me. Yes, I know that I do not need a loan. My dad is offering to pay for one treatment or cycle. But he needs his money just as much as I do. I don't want to take his money. To me, this check was a way to get back to the doctor. Hell, it wasn't even enough to get me back to the doctor ... it was just enough to buy the medicine. Ryle says, lets just save and go back when we have the money. But lord help me ... we will never be able to just save $2500 dollars - NEVER. Why doesn't he get that. Sure we could save it maybe in like a year. But I can't wait that long. I agreed to take ONE MONTH OFF and it has now been almost SIX MONTHS. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of putting this on hold. I shouldn't have to put this on hold. Someone asked me, isn't it enough just having Ryle and being together? You are going to think that I am a horrible person, but no ... it's not enough. Ryle can't fill the hole in my heart ... that hole can only be filled by a baby. So no, I guess love isn't enough....

Then today I get a freaking speeding ticket. Add that to the list of bills I have to pay before I go back to the specialist. We went to see one of my younger brothers play baseball in a state tournament. We lost - also adds to the past two days of terror.

I feel like I did in January - severely depressed. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a month ago because I didn't think they were working. I guess I shouldn't have done that. I also talked to Fred a little bit today ... he always helps. But the bottom line is that I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm a whole lot of things that I don't know how to explain. I just want someone to understand how badly I want/need this. But no one does. No one gets it - not even my own husband.