In God's Time

So I'm riding in the car with Ryle and I hear this song. I'm going to post the video for you to watch and the lyrics and then you can read how I feel about it.



In God's time
A million years might only be a single day
And everything He does gets done His own way
In God's time

And in God's time
You'll find that certain someone you've been praying for
And they'll be everything you dreamed of and a little more
In God's time

Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be
Oh, but don't lose faith
Put it in His hands
'Cause it might be that He might have a bigger plan
Than you had in mind
Miracles happen
In God's time

And in God's time
You'll finally get the chance to hold your baby girl
And all the sudden everything'll make sense in this crazy world
In God's time

Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be
Oh, but don't lose faith
Put it in His hands
'Cause it might be that He might have a bigger plan
Than you had in mind
Miracles happen
In God's time

And In God's time
You go to sleep and wake up with wings and learn to fly
And you finally meet your loved ones on the other side
In God's time


Did I cry? Yes. Did I want to turn the station? Yes. Did I love the song? Yes. Did I hate the song? Yes. When I heard it, all of these emotions started running through me. It's hard to describe. I know that everything can't happen when you are ready for it to happen. I do understand that. I know that I can't snap my fingers and get a baby. But have you not ever wanted something so bad that you would do anything to get it? Anything at all? So yes, I agree that everything has a certain time to happen and you can't make it happen.

But this song was killing me. Especially the lines:
And in God's time
You'll finally get the chance to hold your baby girl
And all the sudden everything'll make sense in this crazy world
In God's time

Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be

I want the chance to hold my baby girl (or boy). I want everything to make sense in this crazy world. And if it is in God's time, if God really has something to do with this, then I need him to let me know. Because I'm to the point to where I don't know if it is "In God's Time". Ryle says that the doctors are going to fix my problems- Dr. Vandermelon and Dr. London, not God. I used to believe that prayer would help. I prayed. But what did it get me? More sorrow? More pain? Lost faith?

It might never be?! Lord help me if it never happens. I might have to be put in the mental ward because I would go crazy or die. The thing I want most in this world is to be a mom. I want to be a great mother. I want to give our parents grandchildren. I want to make my brother uncles and my sister an aunt. So it's not only me that I'm letting down by not getting pregnant, its the whole family. When Ryle's Aunt and Uncle passed away, it made us realize how short life can be. If anything, it made us want a baby more. Then his grandfather got sick and it made it worse. I want his grandparents to meet their great grandson or daughter. I want his parents to meet their grandchild. I want my grandparents and parents to meet them. So it's not just me that I let down every month when I get my period - it's the whole family. And yes, I do know that our parents and siblings aren't blaming me for this. I know that they are supportive and are not disappointed. But that's just how I feel. And I can't help how I feel.

I can't get over all the drama that happened last week (the drama in my previous blog). Do people really think that I want to feel like this? Do you really think that I want to be sad? Jealous? Depressed? Well the answer is "Hell No". I don't want to feel like this. I want to be able to listen to music or watch TV without something making me cry. I want to be able to walk down the hallway at school with a real smile on my face - not the one I have to put on. I want to be happy. I want to get back to the way things used to be.

Last night, Ryle and I drove by our first house (the trailer). He asked me if I missed it. I started to tear up, because yes I miss it. I don't miss the trailer, but I do miss the way we were there. We were happy and didn't have a care in the world. We were so in love and all we needed was each other. I thought that when we were ready for a baby that it would happen. I didn't know that all of the sorrow was coming. I didn't know things would turn out this way. So that's what I missed.Then we came home and watched a movie called "Life As We Know It". It's about two people who have to raise their best friends baby because the parents died in a car crash. It was a good movie. It made me cry - not because it was sad, but because it was about becoming a parent. I cried when the baby started walking and they had to chase her around the house. I want to chase a baby around my house. I also cried when the baby called the lady "momma". She kept trying to tell her that she wasn't her mom, and then she finally realized that yes, she was the mom now. Well I want to be called "momma". I want to hear that. I want to love a child with all of my heart. I want that.

So if you think that I want to feel like this, well you just need to keep your mouth shut because you have no idea how hard it is. Depression isn't just something that I can snap my fingers and make go away. I don't expect to get a baby because I complain and pout about it. If that's what you really think, then please don't read this blog anymore. If you can't at least try to understand, then there is no point in you reading this. The killer part is, the part that hurts me and Ryle the most, is that it's our family that doesn't understand. It's like they don't want to understand. Why is that? Isn't a family there to be supportive? Aren't they supposed to help you up through the hard times and not just push you back down?

Ok well, I kind of got off topic. The point is that I love the song. Love it! But I'm having a hard time not losing faith. I having a hard time seeing the bigger plan that He might have. And if miracles really do happen, please send one my way!