Card #2 = GONE

I guess you could say that I'm super motivated and I'm so excited! I just scheduled the final payment on credit card number two! As of Friday, it will be paid off! I can't wait! Now we have one more to pay off before Ryle will let me apply for the IVF loan. Card number three should take about three months to pay off. I'm aiming for the end of September! I'm ready to apply for the IVF loan now, but Ryle wants to get rid of one more monthly payment first. The only good thing about the loan is that if in the end we don't wind up with a baby, we will get some of the money back. Not a lot of it, but some which is better than none in my opinion.

This past Saturday, was the end of my first month doing Crossfit. And honestly, I just feel better overall. I hardly ever want to just sit and take naps anymore - which is my normal routine for summer time! I would love to tell you that the number on the scale has gone down, but unfortunately, it hasn't. Ryle and my Dad swear that it's because I'm gaining muscle. Never in my life have I worked out or lifted weights .... NEVER (except when we did the half marathon, and still all I did was run). I had no desire to lift weights or workout, and truthfully, I still don't want to. But here's the thing. With PCOS, you gain weight easily (and it's so hard to lose it) which makes it harder for you to get pregnant. So by doing nothing, I'm making it harder on myself to have a baby, which is just plain DUMB! We workout 5 days a week and I still feel like I'm going to die after every single workout. That's how out of shape I am! But some of the workouts are getting easier for me and I actually look forward to working out every day. I just hope that once school starts, I will still be motivated to come home and workout. But August and September just drain me!!

I'm thinking of implementing the Daily 5 in my classroom next year, so right now I'm reading a book about it and following some teacher blogs that are hosting a book study about it. That's really the only "school stuff" that I'm doing. I figured I would wait until August to start getting ready. For some reason, I'm just not that motivated to work on anything this year. I wanted to decorate my room with owls, but I just don't feel like dealing with it right now. I think it would be so cute to put owls on the tree that Megan painted for me a last year. Wouldn't they look adorable on there?! Hopefully by the time August gets here, I will be ready to go, but right now the only thing on my mind is getting the card paid off ...

The Couple's Guide to InVitro Fertilization

Well it's been a little bit since my last post. Not really much to report other than I finally got another period on my own. This is my second one since the failed IUI in February. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I have been able to go for almost a year without one. With that being said, having two in 4 months feels like a big accomplishment. On the other hand, a period still brings on the "I'm not pregnant blues". The cramps are also bad - I've never had bad cramps, so it makes me think that my endometriosis may be coming back. Ugh - I do not want to have that surgery again! But we will just have to wait and see. I would do just about anything to have a baby ....

Ryle really does spoil me rotten! My favorite thing to do is read and we are running out of places to put all of my books! So he took me to get a Kindle Fire! I'm so excited. It is by far, one of the best things ever! My most recent read, is a book called: The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization by Liza Charlesworth. I was browsing the Kindle store and came across this book. I thought I might as well read it since we will soon be a couple attempting IVF. I love the Kindle because you can highlight things that you want to come back to, so I'm going to cover only a few of those in this post! There is no way that I can go over everything that I highlighted - most of it was for my benefit anyway, but here it goes:

The book was very informative and I found it quite interesting. I didn't know there were so many different steps or options available to couples. There were some parts of the book where I was like, "I know exactly how that feels!"

There was a whole section dedicated to Keeping Your Emotions In Check. This is where I got a little teary-eyed. She describes an infertile woman's emotions as a 64-count box of Crayola Crayons. I just love this analogy - I guess it's the teacher in me! She says:

" First there are the blues: feelings of sadness, desperations, isolation, and bone-tired weariness from the months of disappointment. Then there are the greens: unbridled jealousy of sisters and cousins and colleagues with kids - even complete strangers that parade their perfect babies down the street in fancy carriages just to spite us (or so it seems.) Then, there are the reds: pure fire-stoked rage at your insurance carrier for not covering treatments, at your friends for not understanding the depths of your despair, at your body for not delivering on its promise. Finally, there are the yellows: those occasional bursts of hope that nurture our spirits and keep us optimistic. Those sunny jolts that remind us that, with treatment, our dreams of babies are real possibilities."

I can honestly say, that's exactly how it is. I'm sad, jealous, angry (especially at my body for not doing the one thing that a woman's body is supposed to do!), and yes, I do have some hope. Do I feel hopeful every day, no - not at all! But there are moments when a ray of hope shines through. I even had one tonight. While finishing reading, I looked at Ryle and said *with tears in my eyes*, "I'm ready to go back. I need to go back". Now, you know from previous posts, we are trying to pay down some debt first. We have one card paid off, and by the end of June, card number two will be gone! I asked if we could go back to the clinic after the third was paid off. He said yes, so to me that is a ray of hope! Is all of our debt going to be paid off before we get the IVF loan, no. But that's ok. Because about 7 grand of debt will be gone. It's the hope that makes the sadness, jealousy, and anger more bearable.

Through out the book, there were little "fertility facts" posted. One of them caught my eye:

" Research shows that the levels of depression faced by infertile people are as high as those dealing with life-threatening illnesses."

I absolutely believe that. Many of you know, I was on a few anti-depressants in the past. I got off before our last IUI attempt in February simply because Ryle asked me to. There is really no way to explain the helplessness and sadness you feel during infertility struggles. Ryle was against me getting on any medication at first. He thought that I should just be able to deal with what I was feeling, after all, he was dealing with the situation just fine, right?! But I just couldn't. After MANY breakdowns - even several at school in front of my class! - he agreed that I should go to the doctor. And the medicine did help. I guess I am more at terms with my situation now, but there are still some times when I feel like I should get back on them.

There was a whole section on insurance coverage, and wouldn't you know it that I live in a state with mandated fertility coverage, but this is what the law says "Requires employers that are not self-insured to cover some infertility treatments, but not IVF". Well I guess I should be happy that my insurance will pay for the occasional blood test. And I do mean occasional! The law makes it so that the coverage is provided to diagnose the problem, but not to treat it. How dumb is that?! I told Ryle we should move to Hawaii - they are mandated to pay for one IVF cycle, or Arkansas - they are mandated to pay up to 15 grand for one IVF cycle, or Illinois - they are mandated to cover up to 4 cycles of IVF. Don't get me wrong, Louisiana is not the only state that does not mandate coverage. But frankly, it just sucks! Another fertility fact:

"A recent study found that if insurance companies chose to cover all infertility benefits - including IVF- the cost to each policy holder would be about $20 a year."

Twenty dollars a year doesn't seem like that big of a sacrifice to help thousands of couples who can't afford IVF, does it? Not to me anyway - I would gladly pay the extra money a month if I knew that I was saving another couple from the same heartache that we are currently facing. Just my opinion :)

There was so much more in the book that caught my eye, but I would be here forever! I would recommend this book to any couple thinking about pursuing IVF. It was very helpful! It goes on to explain the whole IVF process and what you can expect from each step. It also allowed Ryle and I to discuss how we felt about certain situations. For example, we agreed that if we needed to use doner eggs or sperm, that's ok. We also learned that we don't really agree about selective reduction. This is when the doctor will stop the heartbeat of a young fetus (about 11 weeks). Ryle says yes - he would want to reduce the number of fetuses from 4 down to 2 for the safety of the babies and myself. I'm still undecied. The whole stopping the heartbeat thing gets to me. We will just have to keep talking about it, and I would like to talk to our doctor first.

Anyway, this is an wonderful book - it answered so many questions that I had!  With that being said, I can't wait to get back to the doctor. I'm hoping that we will be able to go back around October. Everyone cross your fingers!

Busy Bees

Well, it's been a while since I have posted anything. We have been so busy the past few weeks. My brother just graduated from Physical Therapy School and is about to start his new job at the hospital. Did I mention that he moved in with us? Yes, so we have been crazy busy moving him from New Orleans. We also went to see him compete in a Crossfit competition this past weekend. It's also the last week of school so I'm busy getting my room ready for summer. 4 more days counting today :) .... I can't wait to just do nothing this summer!!

No news on the fertility front ... we did pay off one credit card though! Only a million more to go - we are currently working on number two and hope to have it paid off in about a month! I need to pay some of them off before we go and finance IVF. Which we decided was our next step. I have also been thinking about getting my tattoo - some people we know just opened up a new tattoo shop and I'm really thinking about going to see them. We will see.

Here are some pics from the past few busy weeks!

Bryan and his friends. (he is in the middle)

Me and Brother ... proud sister. Love his face in this one :)

Matt, Mom, Bryan, and Me

Dad, Mamaw, DR. BRYAN, and me :)

Me and my SEXY husband :)



Bryan Working Out

Oh yes! He had to do partner squats. FYI - his partner was 250 lbs.

Bryan being silly .... BAM!

National Infertility Awareness Week

Well it's been a nice and relaxing week. I haven't done a whole heck of a lot. My husband has been out of town with work, and I have been taking advantage of the "me" time - super lazy and catching up on some reading. But I do want to take some time to tell you about a very important week for many couples.

This is National Infertility Awareness Week. The goal of this week is to get several important facts out to the general public. For instance, did you know that infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 8 couples of reproductive age?! This disease (because it is a disease people!), impacts the physical, emotional, and financial health of those facing it. For those of you that are close to Ryle and I, you know these things to be true. You see it in our life on a day to day basis, but there are SO many people that don't understand the disease or the impact it has on the couple.

I believe I have used this link before, but for those of you that might want to share kind words with couples struggling with infertility, check it out. Sometimes it's hard to know what to say and we know that. It's a great article that just gives you a little insight into what we feel throughout the whole journey. If you choose not to read the article, that's ok - it is kind of long, but here is one thing that I would want you take away from it:

           "The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal. As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money."

There are so  many times when people try to say something to me that is not meant to be hurtful, yet I start to tear up. And I'm not trying to be cruel when I just say, "I'm sorry I can't talk about it" and then walk away. I just want everyone to understand how hard it is to discuss. The part of the article about having the a deep cut that keeps getting opened when it starts to heal is the perfect way to describe this. For example, I was doing SO well. Everyone was telling me and I even blogged about it. And I knew I was doing well. It was wonderful and I was the happiest I have felt in a long time. But then I held a baby - the cutest and sweetest baby ever by the way! And that was all I could do. I thought that I was going to die. I immediatley got sad, started to cry, and that was it. I was back in my "sad mode". And it's been a hard week since then, but slowly I'm trying to heal again. But it was a step forward, and one I'm glad I took because I can't avoid babies forever. So I want you to know that this isn't just something that we can get over. There are constant reminders every single day. Reminders of what we don't have and what we may never have.

As I'm sitting here, I see on the news that a woman struggling with infertility was fired from her teaching job at a Catholic School because she was trying IVF treatment. It's sad .. those are the only words I know to describe the situation.

This week kicks off a nationwide campaign to educate the public about infertility and the concerns of those affected. Resolve's theme for the week is "Don't Ignore Infertility". It's time to make our voices heard! Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedules to read this blog. If you know someone struggling with infertility, take a minute and say a little prayer for them and just let them know that you are there to support them through this journey.

Here are some links you might want to check out :

Infertility Facts

Help Break the Silence 

RESOLVE

Changes

Sometimes you just need a change and I think I'm in need of one. I don't know why all of a sudden, but I need one. I think that I might need a grade change, after 5 years in first grade I think it's time. It could be that one of my best friends at work is leaving for another school! Ahh ... what am I gonna do without her?! Go crazy, I think. I don't know but somethings gotta give, I've only been teaching five years. It's too soon to be burnt out!

I've also had several people tell me lately that "I seem to be better" .... aka I'm not breaking down about baby issues all the time. And I really am better - my brother even invited a pregnant friend over to my house last weekend and I didn't cry at all! Here's the deal. We don't have 12 grand. We are so in debt from all of the trying that it will take us forever to pay it all off. So I guess in my mind I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be a mom. Does it make me sad, yes. But what can I do about it?!

Easter 2012

Well, if you know me or have read any of my past Easter blogs, then you know that I absolutely dread Easter. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. But this year wasn't so bad. I didn't shed a single tear! I don't know if it's because I am more comfortable with our situation or if I finally accepted the fact that Ryle and I may never be parents. I don't really know why, but I can honestly say that this was one of the better Easter's that Ryle and I have spent together. And I can hardly believe that this was our SIXTH one to spend together. Time really does fly.

The Stone's

Ruthie and Jeremy

Love my Sis-in-Law time .... Can you find Jeremy? :)

He is my life, don't know where I would be without his love and support!

Proud Wife *Updated*

This post has nothing to do with our fertility journey. I just wanted to take a minute and tell you how proud I am of Ryle. Today was his last day of the 24 Day Challenge. He lost a total of 15.8 pounds and 12.5 inches. He did an amazing job!

Ryle with his Bow - this is the day he started the 24 Day Challenge

At the weigh in. Same shirt - fits so much better now :)

Our new Jeep - has nothing to do with AdvoCare *just wanted to show it off lol*

Birthday

Wow, time really does fly by. I can now say that I am officially 27 years old. Yikes!! I'm not really going to say a whole lot about how I feel about my birthday. You all know how hard it is on us. We are pushing 30 and are still baby free, which makes us very sad. I tried my best to have a great birthday and to not dwell on that fact. It was hard, but in the end, I had a pretty great day. Thanks to everyone who sent me a text, email, or a happy birthday wish on facebook. They all helped make my day a little easier to get through.

I do want to say how proud of my husband I am. He has been on AdvoCare's 24 Day Challenge for 9 days and has lost 11 pounds!! So proud of him! I know by the end of the 24 Days, he is going to look even sexier than he already does :) I just bought myself the challenge for my birthday and will start it on Monday. If you want to join me in losing weight and just feeling better all together, then you can visit my website to order the challenge - it will be directly shipped to you. I will be taking the 24 Day Challenge Pack, Catalyst, and ThermoPlus! Let's loose some weight together!

Our AdvoCare Website:
https://www.advocare.com/120218898/

Advocare

If you are interested in Advocare, but live out of town, you can still benefit from this! Check out my website where you can order and it will be directly shipped to you!

https://www.advocare.com/120218898/

Only Us

Well ... I've had an emotionally exhausting day. Thank you to everyone at school for asking how I'm doing. I guess everyone could tell by how I looked at school today. I never wear my hair in a ponytail ... never, but today I did. And I went without any makeup on. All anyone had to do was look at me and I would cry.

Of course I got  my period on Friday night ... spent the whole night crying my eyes out. I'm back to my depressed stage I guess. I'm sad, I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to be around people, I don't want to talk, I just want to lay here with my "baby" - Diesel. He knows just when I'm feeling down and never leaves my side.

Ryle was super supportive Friday night - he laid in bed and cried with me. I know that he was just as disappointed as I was. Like I said in earlier posts, this was the first time that he actually got excited about the whole thing. He just knew that it was going to work and that we were going to have a boy - it had to be a boy he said. So not only am I upset that I'm not pregnant, I feel like I let him down big time.

So thanks for all of the prayers and kind thoughts ... I don't know what we are going to do. Take an extra long break I guess. The next step is IVF and we just don't have 12 grand. Maybe we just aren't meant to be parents, I don't know ... I feel like I don't know anything right now.