Today is a hard day for me. Two years ago, to the day, Ryle and I attempted our last IUI (I believe we've done 5 maybe 6 IUIs). We felt that it was a good sign to do the procedure on Valentines. The doctor said everything was looking good and what happened? I got my hopes up. I just knew that this time it was going to work. I could feel it. Well about 11 days later, I got my period. I didn't even get to finish the famous two week wait that all infertile couples know so well. It's devastating to have to mourn what you were hoping and praying for every single month and I was SO tired of feeling that way.
After that, I said I was done. I was done trying, done getting my hopes up, just flat out done! And for two years Ryle and I just enjoyed our time together. Did I still have bad days and still think about having a baby, hell yes! But it didn't consume me.
Then recently I found out I was going to be an aunt and a friend of mine had a baby, and I lost it. I lost the happiness that I had for the past two years. The hurt and need came crashing back at full force. Thank The Lord for my husband, because I could not have made it through these past few months without him. He's the only one who truly knows how I feel. But I am grateful that I have others in my life that I can turn and talk to - it always helps to talk to people who have gone through the same thing. I've come to realize that you can't understand unless you go through it yourself. So I know my family will never understand even bough I desperately want them to. This whole situation has torn my family apart. It will take a long time to get back to where we were ... If we ever do.
Ryle and I are scheduled to go back to the fertility clinic soon for an IVF consultation. We haven't told many people that we are going back, I've only told a select few - for several reasons, but that's another story. If they read this then they will find out. I have some things I need to ask the doctor about - having surgery for my endometriosis again, thyroid, are we even good candidates for this, etc. I don't know when or if we will actually get to the IVF process, but I have to do something. I can't take it anymore, so this is us doing something. We are going to talk to him and see what he has to say about our situation. But seriously, how do people pay for this? It's crazy expensive. These are the prices for the clinic - to be clear, it's not per egg. It's per cycle - so for one cycle the $10,600 is for one fresh egg cycle ... Not for one fresh egg. And you can add anywhere from $3,000 to $5,000 for medicine per cycle! (Sorry for the phone picture quality)
Anyway that's all that's been going on here. Enjoy your valentines day with your loved one ... I sure am missing mine right now!