A plan

I had my wellness visit yesterday. Needless to say it was very emotional. I absolutely love my regular doctor! I'm not saying that I don't love my specialist, but Tina is the best doctor ever. She actually came in and sat down to talk to me about everything. We literally talked for about 40 minutes before my exam. I don't know of any other doctors that would do that.

She wanted to know how it was going at the fertility clinic. And yes, I started crying. It's been a while since I cried about the whole situation. She thinks that I should go ahead and have my tubes checked. She also said that my insurance should pay for it - should. She recommends not doing any more IUIs and just skipping straight to IVF. Which is what I want to do, it's just a money problem now. So that's the plan. Get my tubes checked and then save for IVF.

Since we are taking a break from the clinic for a little while to save money, she is requesting my records from them. She wants to know what they are doing, etc. She also said that since I have PCOS, she will put me on Metformin. Metformin is used to treat type 2 diabetes (condition in which the body does not use insulin normally and, therefore, cannot control the amount of sugar in the blood). Metformin helps to control the amount of glucose (sugar) in your blood. It decreases the amount of glucose you absorb from your food and the amount of glucose made by your liver. Metformin also increases your body's response to insulin, a natural substance that controls the amount of glucose in the blood.

So at least I have a plan ...

Best Husband Ever

A about 1 1/2 years ago, our house kind of flooded. All of our flooring was ruined and we had hardwood floors installed. I love them - they look 100% better than the yucky laminate that came with the house. Well when we had to pull up the ruined floor, we also had to pull up our bathroom - the vanity area. So of course, we haven't been able to afford to finish the bathroom because all of our money was going to fertility treatments. Well we were able to get the vanity and everything put back in yesterday. This was the best anniversary present ever. I have missed my master bathroom! So here are some pictures of the new bathroom!

I LOVE IT!

Ryle and I on our 3rd Anniversary

3 Years

Three years ago today, I married my best friend on the beach in Destin, Florida. I remember it like it happened yesterday. I remember the way he brushed the hair out of my face as I said my vows, while I was trying not to cry. I remember the way he looked at me - like I was the only person in the world. I remember feeling that this was the best day of my life. I remember feeling like I made the right choice.

And to this day, I still feel all of those things. I know that I made the right choice in marrying him. I am so grateful to have such an amazing man in my life. He's more than I deserve. I cherish every single minute with him and cannot imagine what my life would be without him in it. It seems so much longer than just three years. It's almost hard to remember what my life was like before him - it's hard to believe that I have only known him for six years.

We have been through our share of ups and downs. Lately it seems there have been a lot of downs. But somehow, we always manage to pull through. And I know that a big part of that is due to him - he is my strength.

So I just want to say thank you to Ryle today. Thank you for always being there and providing for me. Thank you for loving and supporting me. Thank you for never giving up on me or us. And most importantly, thank you for being you ... the best husband I could have ever asked for.

After

Let me just start this post by saying that it doesn't really have anything to do with my infertility journey - it's just me trying to figure out why I liked a book.

Those of you that know me, know that I love to read. I always have, and I hope that I always will. I normally read books like the Twilight Saga or the Sookie Stackhouse Series - basically books about Vampires and Love.

I was in desperate need of a new book last week, so my wonderful husband took me to Books-a-Million. I actually went to get the new Sookie Stackhouse book, but I ended up leaving with two other new books as well. One of them was called After by Amy Efaw. I didn't read the back cover of the book or anything while I was in the store. It was on the sale table, so I grabbed it on my way to the checkout.

Summary: (Taken from Amazon)

An infant left in the trash to die. A teenage mother who never knew she was pregnant . . .
Before That Morning, these were the words most often used to describe straight-A student and star soccer player Devon Davenport: responsible, hardworking, mature. But all that changes when the police find Devon home sick from school as they investigate the case of an abandoned baby. Soon the connection is made—Devon has just given birth; the baby in the trash is hers. After That Morning, there’s only one way to define Devon: attempted murderer.

And yet gifted author Amy Efaw does the impossible— she turns Devon into an empathetic character, a girl who was in such deep denial that she refused to believe she was pregnant. Through airtight writing and fast-paced, gripping storytelling, Ms. Efaw takes the reader on Devon’s unforgettable journey toward clarity, acceptance, and redemption.


Yeah, it doesn't really fit in with my "normal" books. But let me just say that this book made me cry. I'm a woman that can't get pregnant, so after reading the first few chapters, well to put it mildly - I was mad. How could someone throw their baby in the trash can? Seriously? And I know that I have heard that people actually do this - I just never thought about it until I read this book. But when you think about people throwing their baby away, do you think of normal people? No! You think that person is automatically bad. I mean they have to be a "bad" person to throw their baby in a black trash bag, right?! So as I read more and more of the book, I was conflicted. I was starting to like the girl who threw her baby away. It's not that I wanted her to get away with it, but I didn't really want her to spend her life in prison either.

I guess I feel like the reason I liked the books was because it really allows you into the mother's mind. It let's you see things from her point of view. You see how she was in denial about being pregnant. You also get to see all of the events that led up to the birth and then the unfortunate trash can. And yes, the baby survived. The ending shocked me, but it made me happy as well. I'm not going to say what happened at the end - just in case someone wants to read it - but I was very proud of the girl in the book. I just wish that the people who aren't ready to be mother's would consider adoption first because there are so many loving people out in the world that would give anything to have a baby.

If you like to read, this is really a good book and an easy read - just my opinion :)

Now I am going to get ready to go to the movies. My coworkers and I are going to have a "girls evening" before school starts. Have a great night everyone!

One Month Left

Well as of today, I only have one month left of summer vacation. Yep, school starts for teachers in my parish on August 11th. I'm not ready to go back to work yet; however, I am ready to play with my SmartBoard that is supposed to be installed in my classroom this summer.

I have enjoyed being lazy and I have had the best weekend with my husband. It's been a long time since I could actually say that I enjoyed every single minute of a day, let alone a whole weekend. But this past weekend was wonderful! We didn't do anything special. Just the normal stuff: grocery shopping, cooking, laying around the house, playing with the dogs, and laying out by the pool. I do not know why this weekend was different, I'm just glad that it was. I can only hope for more days to where I don't just sit and think about what could have been.

4th of July

Well considering everthing that has happened this past week, I guess my 4th of July was pretty good. Sunday we went to have lunch with my Dad, and yesterday we went to have lunch with his parents. I haven't really been in the mood to do anything the past few days. All I want to do is sit on the couch with a book or sleep. So it was good to get out of the house for two days, but it didn't really make me feel better. I guess nothing will make me feel better about not being pregnant or the fact that we can't try again.

My mother-in-law tried to convince me that we will try again and that they will help us if they can. But it's more complicated than that to me. I guess in the back of my mind I feel that it's not meant to happen or that I don't deserve for it to happen. Of course I cried and cried during the whole conversation.

I'm just ready to be happy again ... so I'm going to sit on the couch and watch my favorite movies: The Twilight Saga! At least this can put a smile on my face for a few hours. Yep ... I'm a Twilight Junkie!

BFN

Surprise! Surprise! I'm not pregnant. The nurse wants me to call on Cycle Day 1 so that we can schedule a Cycle Day 7 tubal check. But guess what? We can't because we can't afford it right now with insurance not helping. Not to mention we already owe the clinic $700. It's my lucky day, right?!

Insurance

Well, I get up at 6:30 this morning and get ready to go give some blood for my pregnancy test. When I start to put on my make-up, I kind of hesitated for a minute. I couldn't decide if I should wear the waterproof mascara or not. Silly, I know. Because even though I feel that I'm not pregnant because of the spotting and cramping, there is still this thing in the back of my mind that says it's possible. None the less, I decided on waterproof - better to be safe than sorry.

Ryle and I don't speak for the whole 2 hr ride over there. I don't know why, I'm guessing because he knows how hard this day is for me. Well we get there, I sign in, and then BOOM! The nurse informs me that I owe $700 because my insurance decides that they are no longer going to pay for my treatments. She says that it's not just me, but everyone who has BCBS with Office of Group Benefits. She even tells me that the insurance company paid about $2,000 for one lady, but now they want their money back! I start to break down almost immediately! Ryle gets upset, I get upset. But what do you do? I mean, it's not like I'm going to call the insurance company and complain because I don't want them to ask for their money back for the past year of claims they paid! The nurse said we were lucky that they paid for a year because infertility is not covered by any insurance. I just have terrible luck.

Anyway, I gave my blood and I am now waiting on a call from the nurse to get the news. I don't know what we are going to do. I feel like if I'm not pregnant, maybe we should just give up. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom, or God thinks that I'm not fit to be a mom. I don't know anymore. I do know that I'm sad (I cried for the whole 2 hr ride home). I'm back to the point to where I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, all I want to do is sleep - ALL DAY!  I think it may be time for some "happy pills" again. I can't take much more disappointment right now.