Friday, December 27, 2013

This is me being selfish ...

I'm sure this post will make my family even more upset with me .... But this is me being selfish I guess. My blog is a place for my thoughts and feelings. You do not have to keep reading it if it is going to upset you.

Well apparently I'm a selfish daughter/sister who holds grudges to hurt other people. It always feels good to have your own family tell you that. Two of the people that I'm pretty close to or thought I was close to don't even get it.

This was the worst Christmas I have ever had. I cried all Christmas Eve, half the night Chistmas night, all day the day after Christmas, and at least half the day today. You wouldn't think I would have any tears left, but apparently I do. My eyes actually hurt from crying so much.

When I found out on Christmas Eve that Matt and Morgan were coming to my house for Christmas the first thing I thought was - "how am I going to get away if I have a breakdown". I know you are thinking why wouldn't he be there. I honestly didn't think he would show. He didn't come to Thanksgiving or our brothers wedding, so why Christmas?! Anyway ... So my husband convinced me to ask if we could move it to my moms house - my mother in law even agreed. That way if I broke down, we could easily get away. Everyone started getting upset and saying that I shouldn't be angry and just enjoy Christmas! But guess what?! I'm not freaking angry! I just wanted a way to leave. I never said I didn't want them there or anything like that. I just wanted to be able to leave if I needed to. Is that so bad?

I finally said forget it, we will keep Christmas at my house. Well there was no way for me to leave if I needed to since I was the host. So my amazing sister in law and hubs drank with me for a while to take the edge off. And guess what? When Matt and Morgan got there I didn't break down. Was I sad, yes! And I didn't speak to them. But for me to be in the same room was an accomplishment. And at least 3 of my loved ones got that! So thank you for understanding - you know who you are!

Then while I'm trying to hold it together I get asked if I would be upset if it was another brother who was having a baby! In front of everyone! And I didn't lie. My answer was yes! It doesn't matter who it is, it's the fact that it's a baby! Why doesn't anyone get that?! Long story short because I'm not going into all the details of that but now my family thinks I'm asking them not to live their lives and they think I'm wishing my infertility problems on them. You can call me selfish and say I'm holding grudges all you want. But that just let's me know that they truly don't understand me or my feelings. Because this is the worst pain and hurt and I would wish it on no one.

I told Matt (even though he won't reply to my texts) and my sister in law the same thing. I will love your babies no matter what because I love you, but that doesn't make it any easier or make it hurt any less. The pain is still there. The void is still there. It doesn't matter who the parents are, the pain still comes when others can get so easily what I have so desperately struggled to have. Do I want to be an aunt, no. But not because I don't want my siblings to not have kids. It's because I'm not emotionally ready to handle it. And yes I know that I'm already going to be one and I can't do anything about it. And it hurts. But I will still love their kids and be in their lives because they are my family and I truly love them- even when we don't see eye to eye.

I'm sorry everyone is upset with me but let me ask you something. If there was something that hurt you so badly that you emotionally broke down and were depressed about, would you want to be around it? No you wouldn't. So avoiding babies and pregnant women protects ME! I'm doing it to protect myself from breaking down so if that makes me selfish or means I'm holding a grudge then oh well! I'm doing what I need to do for me I'm not doing it to hurt others.

I understand that none of you were there each month when I got a negative test or got my period or had to listen to the doctor tell me again that it didn't work. I understand you didn't have to mourn the loss of what you hoped to have each month. I understand it wasn't you that had to take shots twice a day or pump your body full of drugs. I get it. So all I'm asking for is a little understanding. I'm just HURT. It's always there. Never goes away. I hope you never have to go through what I've been through the past 5 1/2 years. But you know what? If you do have to go through it, I can honestly say that I will understand every single moment of disappointment, hurt, and whatever else you feel. And I won't JUDGE you for it.

There's no way for me to make anyone understand unless they've already been through it. So I'm not going to try to anymore. If you all want to call me selfish or say I'm holding grudges then there's nothing I can do about it. That's your choice and your opinion on it.

I would never wish this on anyone and for my OWN family to think that I wish this on them, well that just really hurts my heart even more.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Thank you for making me feel loved

I just wanted to say Thank You to everyone who called, sent me a text, emailed me, or came to speak to me in person after my last post. It means more than you will ever know. I'm sorry if I couldn't talk to you about it. It's not the easiest thing for me to talk about. But I just wanted you to know how much it means to me that you took the time to tell me that you love me, to share a story with me, or to just listen to me vent/cry.

A lot of you tell have told me to keep the faith and trust in God, that He didn't bless Matthew with a baby. I just want you to know how hard that is, because to me - someone who has tried for over 5 years to have a baby of my own - a baby is a blessing, they are miracles. So why is he blessed? What did he do to deserve that blessing? What have I done wrong? How can I not question Him? Is His plan really for me to suffer like this?

Several people have asked me what Matt's going to do ... and honestly, I have no idea. We aren't exactly on speaking terms. I pray they don't have an abortion - I'm totally against it for obvious reasons. I think adoption would be the best thing for them all. But I'm sure they will keep it ... I just hope they change their lifestyle, for the baby's sake.

Today I got to have a movie and dinner date with my brother and sis-in-law (love ya Willie and Megan) ...As I was leaving dinner tonight, driving home in the jeep, the song "I Would Die For That" came on my iPod. Before I knew it, I was bawling my eyes out again. The song explains how I feel so well. Because I have been given so much - I have an amazing family, a great job, a nice house, nice vehicles, puppies that I love, great friends, the best husband ... but there's just a void that nothing will fill. Anyway, you can watch the video if you want. I posted it on the blog a long time ago. I can't believe 2/14/14 will be 2 years since our last attempt ....

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

There aren't even words ....

Well this post is going to be a mix of a couple of different topics since it's been forever since I blogged. In the last post I promised pictures of the new house! We absolutely love it here. We closed about 3 months ago. Here are a few pics to enjoy .... if you are my FB friend, then you have already seen these!!

Fall Decor

Christmas/Wedding Reception Decor

Last Saturday, my brother got married ... to my sister in law. Weird, I know. Bryan married my husband's sister. At least I know I like her! Haha ... it was a beautiful, rustic wedding .... and VERY cold. The temp was around 30, but with the wind chill, it felt like it was 26. Oh and we were in an old church with no heat!!! COLD!!! Here are a few pics that people took. We don't have the photographer pictures yet, but I bet they will be amazing!

Bride and Groom

Bryan (brother), My Dad, My hubby, My brother (Willie), and Bryan's Friend

I love the purple 

Brother and I before the wedding ... kinda blurry - sorry phone pic

Walking down the isle with hubs
Cutting the cake (phone pic) ... Reception was at our house.

Standing in front of the church ... love this!!

O.M.G. ... is this not the most beautiful picture ever?! 
Ryle and I before wedding ... trying to stay warm!
Just a warning ... the rest of the post is not a happy subject ...

Last week, I posted on FB "Life sucks ... The end". Well, I've had people asking what's wrong. I actually wrote the rest of this post a few days ago and just didn't know if I should post it or not. Well I decided to just post it. If my family gets mad at me, then oh well. It won't be the first time.

Thursday at 4:20, I feel like my world just crashed around me. I got news that I wasn't prepared for and I didn't/am not handling very well. I found out that I'm going to be an aunt. I should be excited about that, right?! Well I'm not. Oh and let's not forget I found out 10 minutes after I got a spray tan for the wedding. If you've never had a spray tan, let me tell ya - you can't get wet, anywhere water touches will leave a white spot. Do you know how hard it was not to bawl my eyes out? I did end up with white circles around my eyes from crying, luckily I was able to cover it with makeup.

I'm tired of crying and feeling sad. I'm tired ... I'm so tired. I had been handling the baby situation fairly well. We were focused on getting into our house and settled and then we were going to try and revisit the "trying". I feel like I'm the laugh of some twisted joke. My brother is headed down a path that will take him no where that a baby belongs in. Drugs. Probation. Rehab. Oh and he's only 19 and not married. He can't even support himself. How is he going to support a baby? He has a lot of growing up to do. I'm sad ... for the baby ... for me ... for him ... for the girl .... for the whole situation.

Someone please ... please tell me how he can be blessed with the miracle of a baby?! Ryle and I have been trying for about 5 years and can't even pay to have a baby. I don't understand. Why do I feel like I'm being punished? Why can't we have one? Please don't say "I'm sorry, it's just their time" or "Unfortunately, it's their time and not yours" or "It will happen one day" and please don't ask me to come to a party to see all of the new babies. Those don't make me feel any better. I want to know why God is granting them that blessing and not us. Why? I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars on medicine, doctors visits, therapy, been poked and prodded on, had surgery, been tested like a lab rat, and had thousands of needles leave bruises on my thighs and stomach from all of the medicine. I've charted my body temp, charted my cycle, had IUIs, etc. What is it going to take? How come other people get to just screw up their life and have a baby? Why can't be be blessed with a baby? That's all I want out of life ... to just hear someone call me mommy ...

Help me understand ... because I'm just so tired ... of all of it ... I'm just tired ....