Wednesday, December 11, 2013

There aren't even words ....

Well this post is going to be a mix of a couple of different topics since it's been forever since I blogged. In the last post I promised pictures of the new house! We absolutely love it here. We closed about 3 months ago. Here are a few pics to enjoy .... if you are my FB friend, then you have already seen these!!

Fall Decor

Christmas/Wedding Reception Decor

Last Saturday, my brother got married ... to my sister in law. Weird, I know. Bryan married my husband's sister. At least I know I like her! Haha ... it was a beautiful, rustic wedding .... and VERY cold. The temp was around 30, but with the wind chill, it felt like it was 26. Oh and we were in an old church with no heat!!! COLD!!! Here are a few pics that people took. We don't have the photographer pictures yet, but I bet they will be amazing!

Bride and Groom

Bryan (brother), My Dad, My hubby, My brother (Willie), and Bryan's Friend

I love the purple 

Brother and I before the wedding ... kinda blurry - sorry phone pic

Walking down the isle with hubs
Cutting the cake (phone pic) ... Reception was at our house.

Standing in front of the church ... love this!!

O.M.G. ... is this not the most beautiful picture ever?! 
Ryle and I before wedding ... trying to stay warm!
Just a warning ... the rest of the post is not a happy subject ...

Last week, I posted on FB "Life sucks ... The end". Well, I've had people asking what's wrong. I actually wrote the rest of this post a few days ago and just didn't know if I should post it or not. Well I decided to just post it. If my family gets mad at me, then oh well. It won't be the first time.

Thursday at 4:20, I feel like my world just crashed around me. I got news that I wasn't prepared for and I didn't/am not handling very well. I found out that I'm going to be an aunt. I should be excited about that, right?! Well I'm not. Oh and let's not forget I found out 10 minutes after I got a spray tan for the wedding. If you've never had a spray tan, let me tell ya - you can't get wet, anywhere water touches will leave a white spot. Do you know how hard it was not to bawl my eyes out? I did end up with white circles around my eyes from crying, luckily I was able to cover it with makeup.

I'm tired of crying and feeling sad. I'm tired ... I'm so tired. I had been handling the baby situation fairly well. We were focused on getting into our house and settled and then we were going to try and revisit the "trying". I feel like I'm the laugh of some twisted joke. My brother is headed down a path that will take him no where that a baby belongs in. Drugs. Probation. Rehab. Oh and he's only 19 and not married. He can't even support himself. How is he going to support a baby? He has a lot of growing up to do. I'm sad ... for the baby ... for me ... for him ... for the girl .... for the whole situation.

Someone please ... please tell me how he can be blessed with the miracle of a baby?! Ryle and I have been trying for about 5 years and can't even pay to have a baby. I don't understand. Why do I feel like I'm being punished? Why can't we have one? Please don't say "I'm sorry, it's just their time" or "Unfortunately, it's their time and not yours" or "It will happen one day" and please don't ask me to come to a party to see all of the new babies. Those don't make me feel any better. I want to know why God is granting them that blessing and not us. Why? I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars on medicine, doctors visits, therapy, been poked and prodded on, had surgery, been tested like a lab rat, and had thousands of needles leave bruises on my thighs and stomach from all of the medicine. I've charted my body temp, charted my cycle, had IUIs, etc. What is it going to take? How come other people get to just screw up their life and have a baby? Why can't be be blessed with a baby? That's all I want out of life ... to just hear someone call me mommy ...

Help me understand ... because I'm just so tired ... of all of it ... I'm just tired ....

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