I hope everyone had a great Easter. Actually, your's had to be better than mine. My "counselor", Fred, convinced me that I needed to go see Ryle's family in Natchez for Easter ... so I did, and I was miserable.
The two hour ride over there was okay ... I played my music and sang along with it for most of the ride. I only teared up about three times on the way over there. But as soon as my feet touched the ground, I started crying. I was crying because I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to face those people who hurt me. I didn't want to face children, and I most definitely did not want to face anyone that was pregnant. The first person I hugged was Ryle's Granddaddy - he is the cutest old man EVER! I was okay hugging him. Then my father-in-law gave me a hug and I just broke down. I guess he was one of the few people who knew how hard it was for me to be there yesterday. The whole church is basically his family, or so it seems to me anyway.
After I dry my tears in the bathroom, we go down stairs to find my mother-in-law. Well we didn't find her right away. We found my sister-in-law and her boyfriend Jeremy. We are standing there talking and up walks someone who said hurtful things in the past few weeks. She was hugging everyone and saying her hello's to everyone ... but not to me. It was like I wasn't even there ... so I just walked away - right back into my father-in-law's arms. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't there. I don't think that I would have made it.
I finally dry my tears, yet again, and then we go find our seat in church. I thought to myself, "Okay Kristen, you can do this, church is going to be fine - just look straight ahead." Well of course, the first thing they talk about at church makes me cry even more. Every year, we take family pictures and they put them in photo albums in the church. The man was talking about how people have changed, and specifically points out a pregnant girl in the family. And everyone was like - "oh, it's just her belly". I don't know. That shouldn't have made me cry, but it did. I mean ... I thought I would be "safe" in the church service, and I'll be danged if they didn't point it out to my face that she was pregnant.
After the service, we ate lunch at the church - this was okay. I didn't see or talk to anyone that upset me. I did find the strength to tell a pregnant family member congrats. That was really hard, but at least I did it. Then on our way out, we saw some others that have said hurtful things. We just smiled and said good-bye.
The Easter Egg hunt was hard too. We were the only grandchildren that did not have kids participating in the hunt ... well other than my sister-in-law and the cousin still in high school. This also made me cry.
I think Ryle was frustrated with me about the whole thing. He also doesn't understand how hard it is for me. He has an idea, but he still doesn't know for sure. Going to visit his family was one of the hardest things I have done in a while. I know that I did the right thing by going and letting Ryle see his family, but that doesn't make it any easier. It didn't make it hurt any less.
“Rattled” Re-cap Episode 5
1 day ago