Monday, April 25, 2011

Happy Easter

I hope everyone had a great Easter. Actually, your's had to be better than mine. My "counselor", Fred, convinced me that I needed to go see Ryle's family in Natchez for Easter ... so I did, and I was miserable.

The two hour ride over there was okay ... I played my music and sang along with it for most of the ride. I only teared up about three times on the way over there. But as soon as my feet touched the ground, I started crying. I was crying because I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to face those people who hurt me. I didn't want to face children, and I most definitely did not want to face anyone that was pregnant. The first person I hugged was Ryle's Granddaddy - he is the cutest old man EVER! I was okay hugging him. Then my father-in-law gave me a hug and I just broke down. I guess he was one of the few people who knew how hard it was for me to be there yesterday. The whole church is basically his family, or so it seems to me anyway.

After I dry my tears in the bathroom, we go down stairs to find my mother-in-law. Well we didn't find her right away. We found my sister-in-law and her boyfriend Jeremy. We are standing there talking and up walks someone who said hurtful things in the past few weeks. She was hugging everyone and saying her hello's to everyone ... but not to me. It was like I wasn't even there ... so I just walked away - right back into my father-in-law's arms. I don't know what I would have done if he wasn't there. I don't think that I would have made it.

I finally dry my tears, yet again, and then we go find our seat in church. I thought to myself, "Okay Kristen, you can do this, church is going to be fine - just look straight ahead." Well of course, the first thing they talk about at church makes me cry even more. Every year, we take family pictures and they put them in photo albums in the church. The man was talking about how people have changed, and specifically points out a pregnant girl in the family. And everyone was like - "oh, it's just her belly". I don't know. That shouldn't have made me cry, but it did. I mean ... I thought I would be "safe" in the church service, and I'll be danged if they didn't point it out to my face that she was pregnant.

After the service, we ate lunch at the church - this was okay. I didn't see or talk to anyone that upset me. I did find the strength to tell a pregnant family member congrats. That was really hard, but at least I did it. Then on our way out, we saw some others that have said hurtful things. We just smiled and said good-bye.

The Easter Egg hunt was hard too. We were the only grandchildren that did not have kids participating in the hunt ... well other than my sister-in-law and the cousin still in high school. This also made me cry.

I think Ryle was frustrated with me about the whole thing. He also doesn't understand how hard it is for me. He has an idea, but he still doesn't know for sure. Going to visit his family was one of the hardest things I have done in a while. I know that I did the right thing by going and letting Ryle see his family, but that doesn't make it any easier. It didn't make it hurt any less.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Easter . . .

This is what $1200 worth of medicine looks like!

That's what I dream about getting. I can't wait to have to stick needles in my stomach again. I want that more that anything at this point.

But anyway, I've been so busy this past week. I haven't had time to get on the computer at all. Two of my baby brother's had prom this weekend, and my other brother came in town. We haven't seen him in forever! And then we went to watch one of my brothers play baseball. So I had a good weekend .... here is some proof!

Matthew, Alanie, Megan, and William

William and Megan acting silly, but I love this picture!
Ryle, Megan, and Bryan
Bradley, Corey, and William

William up to bat

Other than my great weekend, the only thing I can think about is Easter. I might need to go see Fred before Sunday. I am not excited about going to see Ryle's family. Fred told me that I need to because I am just hiding from the situation, but it's a hard thing to do. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day. I am having a hard time taking myself out of the situation. I'm having a hard time not being at the doctor right now. I guess I can handle it as long as I stay busy to keep my mind off of it, but once I just sit down that's all I can think about. Seriously, how am I going to make it for a whole day in Natchez? I can't even think about it without tearing up. I don't know if it's because of the kids that will be there or the people that hurt me. I'm not sure, but I do know that it's going to be hard. My father-in-law says he wants me to walk in with my head held high and stay beside him the whole time and he dares anyone to say something. But I don't really want him involved. It's not his problem to deal with.

Wednesday, April 06, 2011


Well it's been a VERY long week at school! My kids have Spring Fever really bad ... and I guess I do too!

I've had several people ask me if we have considered adopting, plus it came up in both therapy sessions. The answer is Yes, we have considered it. But the thing is, the doctors haven't said that we will never get pregnant. Ryle and I have already agreed that if worse comes to worse, then we will adopt. However, we aren't at that stage in the process yet.

I have been thinking about it a lot because my dad says that you don't have to give birth to be a mother. Which I totally get! But the truth is, it's still an expensive process. You know me, I love Google; I've spent a lot of time not only looking up infertility issues, but adoption as well. I've read that domestic adoption can range from $10,000 to $50,000. I mean that's a crazy amount! Our treatment plan right now is only about $2000 and we can't afford it at the moment. So it makes sense for us to stick with the treatments. Farther down the line, if we still haven't made any progress, then we will more than likely move on to the adoption plan.

I have been thinking that maybe we should start the adoption process. I mean the wait for an infant can be forever because you have to be chosen by the birth parents, or so that's what I've read anyway. Plus you have to do tons of paperwork and a home study. Either way, it's a long and stressful process. Ryle and I haven't talked about starting the paperwork. If I had to guess, I would bet that he would NOT want to start because he feels that our own pregnancy is within reach. I, on the other hand, feel that our own pregnancy is not within reach. I feel as though it will never happen.

I do not have a problem adopting. I would prefer to have an infant if we do adopt. I can't really say why other than if the baby can't grow inside of me, I at least want to be there from the beginning as much as possible. I would love the adopted baby as my own - that much I do know.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011


Ok, so I took everyone's advice and went to counseling. I actually had two sessions last week. One on Thursday and one on Friday.

The one on Thursday was okay - I'm still not sure how I feel about it. The lady I went to see was a marriage and family therapist - she does not deal with infertility. She also is about my age. It wasn't hard to talk to her, it's just that I don't think she understood my situation. I told her that I basically stayed on the couch last week staring at the ceiling and she said I was coping just fine - or at least it sounded that way to her. She said that if staying home and away from babies helped me, then that's what I should do. She said that staying away from things that hurt us is human nature. I get that. But am I supposed to stay away from things that hurt me forever? I cried the entire hour - I went to this alone because Ryle was out of town. When I left I felt better, but the more I thought about it after the session, the more I thought she was nuts. Does she really think that I'm coping? Am I? I mean I flat out said that I want to know how to handle the situation and how to handle being around babies or pregnant ladies. I don't know. I just wasn't satisfied - so I went to see someone else.

On Friday, I went to see my ex-step dad, Fred. This is a man that I grew up with for a big part of my life. This is also what he does; not infertility per say, but counseling. He also went through this process with my mom when they were trying to have my brother William. So I was comfortable talking to him. I took Ryle with me. Fred says that I have to "take myself out of it". Meaning, when I see a baby, instead of thinking I want a baby, I should think about the baby's hair or fingers or something other than me wanting one. But that's a hard thing to do when you want something so badly and can't have it. But it's not just me that I want to give a baby to. For example, we were out eating with Ryle's parents the other night and I saw a father feeding his infant daughter. And I didn't think "Oh I wish that was me!", instead I thought, "I wish Ryle had the chance to feed his daughter". We talked about how important it is that we start to communicate again. We also talked about how I felt when Ryle called me selfish - it hurt, A LOT, how Ryle feels about not seeing his family - it hurts him, A LOT, how Ryle and I feel when his family says ugly things - it hurts us A LOT, and how Ryle feels when I say it's "his family" - he would rather me say "his cousins" or something instead of the general term "family", etc.

Anyway, we talked about a lot of things. I think that it did help. We don't have a set time to go back and talk with Fred, it's just whenever we feel like we need to. Fred wants me to start a journal, which is basically what this is, but he wants me to have a private journal as well. So I am going to start trying to do that this week.

I haven't posted on here in a while and many people won't be able to read it now that I don't post updates on Facebook, but I felt like I should at least tell the people who asked about counseling how it went!