Facebook

Ryle and I decided that it would be best if we both deleted our Facebook accounts. It seems that is tearing our family apart. It's sad that we can't have something as simple as a Facebook account anymore. So no more Facebook, I guess people will have to keep up with us the old fashioned way - text and phone calls. He thinks I should delete the blog too. But honestly, it has helped me get my feelings out. I don't want to start keeping those in again.

He still plans on going to see his grandparents soon and telling them that we won't be around this Easter. I hate that for him. I honestly do. It was his decision though, he doesn't want to be around the people that have hurt us lately. So I'll let him make that decision. He says it isn't his whole family - just a select few, but to be honest, it feels like his whole family.

I have an appointment tomorrow with a counselor. I'm nervous. I'm not sure I like the idea of spilling my guts to a total stranger. But then again, I think it will be good to get it ALL out. I don't know, we shall see.

Come Home!

I need my husband to come back home ... NOW! It seems like every time he has to leave town for work something happens with the family. Literally - every time he leaves. I need him to come give me a hug and hold me while I cry. That's all I really need right now.

Family Drama ... Again

Just a warning before you read this ... it's been a long and BAD day. Some people have just pushed the wrong buttons. So I'm warning you right now, I'm not in a good mood, and probably shouldn't post this, but I am anyway. As I've said before, "think what you want to think ..."


Again with the family drama.


First of all, I find out someone else is pregnant. I was okay with it - honestly, I was. But what hurt me the most was that three people that are very close to me didn't tell me. I understand that it's hard to tell someone going through this that someone else in the family is pregnant. But what they could have done, was tell Ryle. He probably could have broken the news to me easier. Would I still be upset, well yes! But I just expected these three people to tell me, not hide it from me. It's much easier to hear from someone you love instead of on Facebook. And then I get a message from another family member that basically says I added them back to Facebook so they could read how much I hate them. And let me just stop right here and say "Thank You" to my husband for sticking up for me. It means a lot.


You know what, all I'm going to say is "IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, THEN STOP READING IT".  If you don't like it when I say "Ryle's Family", then don't read, but it is "Ryle's Family" that has all of the babies. If you don't like the fact that I said I didn't want to come visit for Easter, then don't read, but at least I was grown up enough to admit it. I was willing to put myself through pain so that he could see "HIS" family. I just love how "HIS" family is so supportive. 


I'm tired of saying that I am sorry if you don't like this or that in my blog. It's my blog. It's about me and my feelings. I thought about deleting the blog. But you know what? I'm not going to do that. Because the blog was my way of letting my feelings out. It's my way of making myself feel better. So for the last time, if you don't like it, then don't read it. No one is making you read it. I could care less at this point. Honestly.


The sad thing is, that the person this hurts the most is Ryle. It makes Ryle not was to see "HIS" family. He wants to take a trip to Natchez to tell his grandparents that we won't be around for a while until everyone can grow up. Is that what you are trying to accomplish? You want to push him further away? So your angry words aren't hurting me like you want them to, they are hurting him. Maybe you should think about that before you start sending messages to his wife about how she hates "HIS" family!

So it's become kind of obvious that some people just don't know how to handle talking to someone going through the infertility struggle. And you know me, what do I do? Well, get on Google and research everything I can find on infertility. Really I was looking for a counselor, but I loved this article. It's a long article, and you don't have to read it, but I liked it.

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant. These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

My Happy Pill

Ok, Ryle says that my brother's girlfriend, Megan, is my happy pill. I have talked about her in some other blogs. But Ryle says that I am completely different when she is around. I don't know why - maybe because she is younger, maybe because she doesn't have kids, maybe because she is always so happy ... who knows?! But I have noticed that I don't dwell on my problems when she hangs out with us.

She is also a great artist! And somehow I convinced her to paint a mural on my classroom wall. We didn't plan on it taking up a whole wall, but somehow it did. We did it ... in a weekend, in the middle of the school year! It turned out awesome! I cannot wait for my sweet babies to come see it next week. So this post isn't really about my infertility troubles, this is just dedicated to Megan! Thanks so much for making my classroom so stinking cute! I love it!

She did it all by hand! Amazing Talent!!

Yea, I got the fun job of filling in all the holes from the cinder blocks!

So glad he could reach the top!

I love my classroom now!

The finished product!!

Philippians 4:13

Compliments of her dad! Haha ... Sorry Megan! I couldn't help but post this!

Ok, so I'm uploading photos to this post and to Facebook so that Willie can see his baseball pictures. And, well, I find out that another one of Ryle's family members is pregnant. I can't handle this anymore. I can't keep finding out that we are the only ones not having babies. I can't cope with it anymore. I think it's time to find someone to talk to - a support group or something. Ryle says to get off of Facebook, and that may be what I have to do. I just need to "walk into" a ton of money and then my problems will be solved I guess. If I just had money we could be at the doctor's office today. Where's my happy pill when I need it?! Lol - she's at work! Thanks for everything Megan!

In God's Time

So I'm riding in the car with Ryle and I hear this song. I'm going to post the video for you to watch and the lyrics and then you can read how I feel about it.



In God's time
A million years might only be a single day
And everything He does gets done His own way
In God's time

And in God's time
You'll find that certain someone you've been praying for
And they'll be everything you dreamed of and a little more
In God's time

Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be
Oh, but don't lose faith
Put it in His hands
'Cause it might be that He might have a bigger plan
Than you had in mind
Miracles happen
In God's time

And in God's time
You'll finally get the chance to hold your baby girl
And all the sudden everything'll make sense in this crazy world
In God's time

Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be
Oh, but don't lose faith
Put it in His hands
'Cause it might be that He might have a bigger plan
Than you had in mind
Miracles happen
In God's time

And In God's time
You go to sleep and wake up with wings and learn to fly
And you finally meet your loved ones on the other side
In God's time


Did I cry? Yes. Did I want to turn the station? Yes. Did I love the song? Yes. Did I hate the song? Yes. When I heard it, all of these emotions started running through me. It's hard to describe. I know that everything can't happen when you are ready for it to happen. I do understand that. I know that I can't snap my fingers and get a baby. But have you not ever wanted something so bad that you would do anything to get it? Anything at all? So yes, I agree that everything has a certain time to happen and you can't make it happen.

But this song was killing me. Especially the lines:
And in God's time
You'll finally get the chance to hold your baby girl
And all the sudden everything'll make sense in this crazy world
In God's time

Oh, but no one knows
Not you or me
It might be tomorrow or it might never be

I want the chance to hold my baby girl (or boy). I want everything to make sense in this crazy world. And if it is in God's time, if God really has something to do with this, then I need him to let me know. Because I'm to the point to where I don't know if it is "In God's Time". Ryle says that the doctors are going to fix my problems- Dr. Vandermelon and Dr. London, not God. I used to believe that prayer would help. I prayed. But what did it get me? More sorrow? More pain? Lost faith?

It might never be?! Lord help me if it never happens. I might have to be put in the mental ward because I would go crazy or die. The thing I want most in this world is to be a mom. I want to be a great mother. I want to give our parents grandchildren. I want to make my brother uncles and my sister an aunt. So it's not only me that I'm letting down by not getting pregnant, its the whole family. When Ryle's Aunt and Uncle passed away, it made us realize how short life can be. If anything, it made us want a baby more. Then his grandfather got sick and it made it worse. I want his grandparents to meet their great grandson or daughter. I want his parents to meet their grandchild. I want my grandparents and parents to meet them. So it's not just me that I let down every month when I get my period - it's the whole family. And yes, I do know that our parents and siblings aren't blaming me for this. I know that they are supportive and are not disappointed. But that's just how I feel. And I can't help how I feel.

I can't get over all the drama that happened last week (the drama in my previous blog). Do people really think that I want to feel like this? Do you really think that I want to be sad? Jealous? Depressed? Well the answer is "Hell No". I don't want to feel like this. I want to be able to listen to music or watch TV without something making me cry. I want to be able to walk down the hallway at school with a real smile on my face - not the one I have to put on. I want to be happy. I want to get back to the way things used to be.

Last night, Ryle and I drove by our first house (the trailer). He asked me if I missed it. I started to tear up, because yes I miss it. I don't miss the trailer, but I do miss the way we were there. We were happy and didn't have a care in the world. We were so in love and all we needed was each other. I thought that when we were ready for a baby that it would happen. I didn't know that all of the sorrow was coming. I didn't know things would turn out this way. So that's what I missed.Then we came home and watched a movie called "Life As We Know It". It's about two people who have to raise their best friends baby because the parents died in a car crash. It was a good movie. It made me cry - not because it was sad, but because it was about becoming a parent. I cried when the baby started walking and they had to chase her around the house. I want to chase a baby around my house. I also cried when the baby called the lady "momma". She kept trying to tell her that she wasn't her mom, and then she finally realized that yes, she was the mom now. Well I want to be called "momma". I want to hear that. I want to love a child with all of my heart. I want that.

So if you think that I want to feel like this, well you just need to keep your mouth shut because you have no idea how hard it is. Depression isn't just something that I can snap my fingers and make go away. I don't expect to get a baby because I complain and pout about it. If that's what you really think, then please don't read this blog anymore. If you can't at least try to understand, then there is no point in you reading this. The killer part is, the part that hurts me and Ryle the most, is that it's our family that doesn't understand. It's like they don't want to understand. Why is that? Isn't a family there to be supportive? Aren't they supposed to help you up through the hard times and not just push you back down?

Ok well, I kind of got off topic. The point is that I love the song. Love it! But I'm having a hard time not losing faith. I having a hard time seeing the bigger plan that He might have. And if miracles really do happen, please send one my way!

Think what you want to think ...

Ok, so I'm having a great day at work. My kids are being good, we were doing our work. And boom! My phone alerts me that I have a message on my facebook post. Someone in Ryle's family is mad that I said people do things out of order now days. My students think my dog died because I was crying and had to call my husband. I literally love my class. I got a note from a student today that said "Im sorre, whut ever hapened"! I love the spelling and I love that they care. But I had to explain that Mrs. Stone was just sad and my puppy didn't die. You can read the comment at the bottom.

I'm going to start by saying, this is why I deleted everyone with babies in the first place. Maybe it needs to go back to that, I don't know. Or maybe I should delete facebook altogether. Who knows. But this post is also not meant to hurt or offend anyone, but I am going to respond to the comment, because well, that's what this blog is for!

Anyway, in no way, shape, or form, did I mention that someone specifically in his family did things out of order. No way did I mean to hurt or offend you. But, let's be honest. Not too many people these days do things in the "proper" order. There really isn't even a "proper" order anymore. And just so you know Annie**, I didn't get the responses from your family that I didn't like because I was talking crap about doing things out of order. I got the response from Mitch**;before I even had this blog. And it had nothing to do with that. If you must know, he was mad that I deleted him from facebook. But its ok because now he isn't on Ryle's facebook either. Now, are you satisified?

And yes, I do realize that the biterness, resentment, and depression can make my body not respond the way it is supposed to. So that is why I am on antidepressants. And I don't expect God to give me a baby because I pout and complain about this. Actually, I'm not trying to pout at all. I'm not trying to complain either. Sorry if you see it that way, but that's not what this is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a way to get my feelings out.

I'm awake, and I have smelled the roses. I am thankful for my husband, my family, and everything I have. Just because I am depressed and don't want to be around babies does not mean that I'm not thankful.

I find it crazy, that four other members of his family sent me nice messages and then I get one that makes me sit down in the middle of my classroom and cry. But I'm past the being sad stage, I'm angry. I'm mad. I had to call my husband and send my mother-in-law a message that says I will not be at Easter this year - again. I can't do it. For the past month, I have been talking myself up and "preparing" myself for Easter. I have told myself that I can do it, I will make it, it's only a few hours. But you know what? I don't really give a flying flip. I'm not going. I'm not going to make myself endure that for people who can't understand or at least try to understand. Ryle is welcome to go be with his family, although I doubt he will because he is mad too. So I will spend Easter with my family and have a great time in my new dress!

**OK so I was going to post names on here, but I decided to change the names to "protect" those involved. They know who they are, and most others know who they are too. And yes, I feel 1,000 times better after posting this!

***Ok I know this post is confusing without reading what triggered it... so here it is:
"ok first of all Kristen,i have read ur posts on ur infertility and first thing imma say is our family would love and adore u if u let us, but talkin crap about how we all can get pregnant in THE WRONG ORDER is why u get the responses u get from us. God sees the WHOLE PICTURE, if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant OUTTA ORDER as u say, many times, then i would probably be dead right now bc my baby girl was my life saver, so i thank the lord everyday that the mistake I made by not getting married and the "order" thing came out the way it did. you dont realize that all this bitterness u have when u see babies and all the mourning your having from not getting pregnant and all the depression and anxiety can cause ur body not to become pregnant. Depression is a serious thing it can be fatal to u and especially to an unborn child! Imma nurse I have studied all this inside and out! Spend ur time being happy and put it in Gods hands bc he's not gonna give u what u want if u pout long enough or complain long enough...he's gonna give it to you when you are ready.....and staying away from everyone and being miserable aint doin nothin but pro-longing ur expectations. You need to wake up and smell the roses and be thankful for what u do have instead of making yourself miserable dwelling on what u dont have cuz its not good for you inside and out. You will have u a baby one day honey, stop stressin and jus go w the flow and relax! love ya and i know it hurts im not saying it dont! but ur goin bout it wrong by letting yourself be miserable!!!!!!!!"

Blues ...

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. It's been a crazy week. I don't even know what to say. I have the (in)fertility blues right now. For the past two weeks, I haven't really wanted to do much of anything. I want to sleep and that's about it. It's 7:45pm right now and I could go to bed. Thinking that I might need to go back to doctor to change my medicine. Who knows?

I know that I am driving my husband nuts ... I am constantly asking him when I can go back to the doctor. It's all I can think about. I dream about it at night and I think about it all day long. I can't help it. I don't know how to think about anything else.

This past weekend, we went to watch one of my younger brothers play baseball, and Ryle found his dream house. It was for sale .. it had the land, the shed, and a gorgeous house that he has been talking about forever. And no ... we aren't moving or selling our house. It's just a plan that he has for our future. Of course, I get all teary eyed and sad. He has all of these plans for our future after we have kids. But I can't see that far ahead. I can only wonder when I get to go to the doctor. Or when I will have $1500 per cycle for medicine and IUI. I don't know how to plan for after the kids ... I just want the kids. It's to the point to where I told Ryle - if it was up to me, I would not pay the house note just to get to go back to the specialist right now.

(in)Fertility Facts

Ok ... so basically I love Google! Literally - I am always looking up information on infertility. If I have people ask me certain questions that I don't know the answer to, I immediately go home and get on Google.  So here are some things that I found important to me or it may be the answer to the question you asked!


** Infertility affects 6.1 million American women and their partners — about 10 percent of the reproductive age population.

** Ovulation abnormalities and sperm deficiencies are the most common causes of infertility. Together, they are responsible for two-thirds of infertility problems.

** About 15 percent of female infertility cases are the result of fallopian tube disease while irregular ovulation accounts for about 25 percent. (THIS WOULD BE ME! IRREGULAR OVULATION)

** In 85 to 90 percent of all cases, infertility is treated with either medication or surgery. Just 5 to 10 percent of infertility treatments involve in vitro fertilization or other kinds of assisted reproductive technologies, in which a laboratory is used to try to help a couple become pregnant.

** There are about 600 reproductive endocrinologists (fertility specialists) in the United States, compared to 28,000 ob/gyns (obstetricians-gynecologists).

** When no fertility problems are present, the average couple between ages 29 and 33 has about a 20 to 25 percent chance of becoming pregnant during any given menstrual cycle.

** Depression associated with infertility is not the same as typical depression. Lisa Tuttle, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in fertility counseling, says that depression related to infertility is a combination of emotions: not just sadness, but jealousy, anger and grief.

** "Jealousy is probably the most painful, and more so because it's not really a socially acceptable emotion," says Tuttle. "There's also guilt for depriving spouses and parents of a child, loneliness and often loss of faith." Obsession is also a factor. Tuttle encounters many women who say they can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts them even while they're sleeping. "Part of the reason is that every month you're reminded that you once again have failed to become pregnant,".

** Schalesky experienced the gamut of emotions, from jealousy when it seemed as if everyone else had children, to loneliness, to occasional crises of faith. "I struggled physically, emotionally and spiritually," she says. "My faith helped in some ways, but in some ways it made it more difficult as well, because I had the additional question of why wouldn't God bless me. I really struggled with the spiritual aspect of my infertility."

** What makes it even more difficult for women is that, even in very supportive marriages, their spouses may not understand what they're going through. Men simply don't react to the stress and anxiety of fertility treatments in the same way women do, says Dr. Mark P. Leondires, reproductive endocrinologist.

** "Infertility treatment doesn't affect the male partner in the same way because they're not dealing with the therapy every day, and they're not dealing with getting a menstrual period every month," says Dr. Leondires. "Often, men just want this fixed. They just want their wives to get pregnant, but they're also able to put it aside for other things when they want to. Women often can't do that."

** Infertility also tests relationships, because infertility treatments affect every aspect of a couple's life, Dr. Leondires says. "Once you get into the fertility grind, you're with it every minute of every day," he says. "You have to do these injections at these specific times, and you can't go to a party or have a drink or have sex. Sex, in fact, is reduced to work or a sperm sample. This may distance couples and cause isolation and worsen the depression." Add in the extreme hormonal changes that infertility treatments can induce, and it can become an emotionally volatile time.

(http://www.preconception.com/articles/trouble-getting-pregnant/the-no-baby-blues-1437/)

** Myth: If you just calm down and stop trying then you'll get pregnant. Fact: Infertility is not a psychological disorder. Infertility is not a physical disease, not one that will resolve on it's own. While stress does not cause infertility, infertility causes tremendous stress for a couple. Research shows that women going through infertility experience many of the same emotions  and mental stress as those with cancer, HIV, and chronic pain.

Marriage

I had someone ask me today if all of this has hurt my marriage. That's a hard question to answer - I would say Yes and No. I'm sure my husband will not be thrilled about this post, but it's a good question, so here it goes!

Yes, I believe that in some ways it has hurt our marriage. Not the situation that we are in exactly, but the problems that it causes.

It hurt our communication. We don't talk about anything anymore because it always brings tears to my eyes. It's not that we don't want to talk about it with each other, its just that it doesn't seem to help. We just talk in circles if that makes sense. If I start to cry he gets upset and basically tells me not to. So I tend to hold it in sometimes.

It hurt our faith. It feels like this can't possibly be God's plan for us. It can't be his plan for us to suffer. Can it? Could it be God's plan for everyone else in the family to get pregnant? Could it really be God's plan for us to spend thousands of dollars to get this? Thousands of dollars that we don't have? I asked Ryle the other day if he believed that it was God's plan. He just looked at me for a minute, and then he finally said "Kristen I don't know. I don't know if God has anything to do with it. The problem is that we don't have the money to fix your problem." So yes, it has hurt our faith. I know that his family is going to flip when they read this, but it's the truth. This infertility struggle has hurt our faith.

It hurt our relationship with family. As you've read in previous posts, we have alienated ourselves from his family. We'll he would love to be around them, but I can't emotionally handle it. So he doesn't go for me.

But I also think that it made our relationship stronger. Don't get me wrong, it hurt me when he did not understand what I was feeling and going through, but it also made us as a couple stronger. Now that he understands a little more, he can help me get through a breakdown - most of the time. He can pick me up when I'm down. Although we don't really talk about it when I break down, he just holds me and lets me get it all out. I love him more than anything and don't know what I would do without him in my life.

I'm sure that didn't really answer the question. But it's a hard question. I think that it has hurt and helped our relationship in different ways.

Who Knew?

I had a wonderful birthday and got to spend the day with family and friends. I think I only cried twice, so that's a plus!

Since adding some of his family back to my Facebook page, I'm just in shock. Complete shock. I got several messages that basically said they were sorry for what I was going through, and that they had no idea it was so hard for me. Really?! Why would it be easy? I've been trying for two years and like I said in an earlier post, I'm doing it all in the right order and can't get pregnant. They can all just get pregnant so easily, why can't it come easily to us? Why do we have suffer?

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they reached out and said something. I truly am! It meant a lot, especially since I deleted them from my page and life for a while with no warning at all. But it also hurt. I mean I've been trying to conceive for a long time. How do you not know that it hurts me? How do you not know that we are struggling? I couldn't even go to his grandparents wedding (vow renewal) without crying. I literally had to get up and walk out to the truck several times because there were kids and pregnant ladies and I didn't want anyone to see me cry. I don't know. I guess since I didn't talk about it, they didn't know. But to those of you that did reach out and send me a message, thank you. It truly meant a lot. 

Some people have been asking if I have considered counseling so that I will have someone to talk to. And yes, I have. But I'm not sure I want to yet. I thought I would try the medicine (yes, I am on antidepressants) for a while. I think that the meds help, also writing things in my journal or on this blog seem to help a lot too. So I'm going to wait a while for that. If I can't cope or this stops helping, then I will go. I promise!  

One of my younger brothers has the best girlfriend in the world. She is so funny! She can cheer me up in a minute. I just want to tell her thank you for doing that. And thank you for offering to be a surrogate if we need it. I hope we never do, but thanks. I would trust you with my baby!

Birthday Dreams

I want to start this post by saying "Thank You" to my friends Cindy, Lane, Tyler, and Katie! Your birthday surprise was the best!! For everyone else, I come home at 11pm last night to find balloons and a wreath in my yard. It all says Happy Birthday, but it says 40 years young! It also has socks that say "the big four-oh". I loved it so much that I decided to take a picture with it so everyone could see!

So in case you haven't figured it out, today is my birthday. I'm now 26 years old. I'm not excited about getting older. Not because I don't want to be old, but because I'm getting older without my dream.

When I was younger, I always thought that I would have all of my kids by the time I was 27. I wanted to be the cool, young mom. I wanted to have my two kids, the perfect house, perfect husband, the dogs running around the yard with the white picket fence. Basically, I wanted the American dream. Well I have everything so far except the kids. Ok, and no white picket fence, but I do have a fence (lol). So much for that dream. I'm not even close to having a kid yet. My birthday reminds me that my dreams haven't come true yet. I'm not saying that I think I will never have kids, I'm just saying that nothing ever happens the way you think it will.

I did everything in the right order ... school, perfect man, career, house, marriage, family vehicle ... now I'm missing the last step: kids. When is it my turn to finish my dreams? It seems like everyone does it out of order now days. People have kids that shouldn't. People give their babies up. People have abortions. People complain about all of the pregnancy symptoms. Well, those people should know that there are others who would give anything to throw up all day, anything to gain weight that way, anything to have a life grow inside of them.

A very sweet lady at work told me yesterday that I was a strong woman. I don't know about that. I don't feel strong. I'm sad, scared, hurt, emotional, lonely, etc. But not strong. If I was strong, all of this wouldn't affect me the way it does.

Last night I added some of Ryle's family back to my facebook page. It was a hard thing to do. I've decided that I just won't get on facebook as often - that way I won't have to look at baby pictures or pregnant ladies. My sister-in-law said that the family should read my blog, but they didn't have access to it since I post my updates on my facebook page. Well, now they do, so let's see if helps them understand. Even if they don't understand, it doesn't really matter. I can't change how people feel or see certain situations. That's out of my control. All I can do is put out there how I feel, and that's what this blog is all about.

Anyway, it's my birthday and I want to spend the day with my husband! Hopefully I can keep my mind off of the problem at hand ...  Have a great day ... that's what I'm going to try to do!

*As a side note, a lot of people are sending messages to me on facebook about my blog. I just wanted to say that I had no idea so many people were reading it because there were no comments. But thanks for reading it, and thanks for caring!

Blah ... Blah ... Blah

I had several people at work today tell me that they cried when they read my blog. I just want to say "Thank You!" for reading it. I really didn't think that anyone would read it. This was just a way for me to get all of my feelings out. I've kept it in for so long and it really does feel good letting it out.

I have gotten very good at pretending that everything is alright; I've also gotten good at putting on a smile. My sister-in-law told me today that she thinks everyone in the family (and everyone in general) is just now understanding how hurt I am. But the thing is that I don't think anyone understands just how hurt I really am. How could they know? I keep it all in.

Facebook is the devil. Honestly! Every time I get online, I find out that someone else is pregnant. I don't understand why it happens for everyone else so easily. I know, I know ... it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Blah ... Blah ... Blah.

So I got a cute dress in the mail the other day - it's my Easter dress. This year we are supposed to go visit Ryle's family in Natchez. All I can think about is that I am going to be miserable. I'm going to have to put on a smile, look at babies, pregnant ladies, and the family members that hurt me with their words recently. It's not fair of me to ask Ryle to stay home. He hasn't seen his family in a while. I already asked him not to go for Christmas, and we didn't. So now I have to go. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. If I make the two hour drive there without crying it will be a miracle! Maybe his family has at least learned not to ask me when we are going to have a baby. Their favorite question is "When are the two of you going to have one of your own?!". And all we can say is "We are working on it". Which isn't even true at this point.

Yesterday I had the exact amount of money that I need for my medicine in my hands and my husband told me that we couldn't use it. I had a breakdown. All I could do was cry. It was like a huge slap in the face. The money was is my hands, but his work is so slow right now, that we need the money for other things. I understand that, and I know it's true. But this is how I see it: that was my chance to go back to the Shreveport  Fertility Clinic. Now I have to wait even longer while everyone else goes on with their happy lives.

Elementary Education

Let me start this post by saying that I LOVE MY JOB! I have always wanted to be a teacher. Yes, there are some days where I think that working as a Wal-Mart door greeter would be better. There are also some days where I can't wait to get away from kids. But overall, I love it. I teach 22 wonderful first graders at an amazing school.

I have to be honest ... being a teacher is not a job for someone who can't conceive. It's like being in hell. I hate to say that, but it's true. I am forced to look at cute and loving kids all day long. I have to listen to them tell me how great there Mom is, or what cool thing their Dad did for them the past weekend. I also get to watch some of them lose their first tooth, learn to read, and so many other things. These are all things that I want to watch my children go through.

I also get to look at pregnant teachers five days a week (there's no way to delete them from school like on facebook). I love the ladies I work with and I'm so glad that they are being blessed with children. Yes, it hurts me to look at them. And if it's not pregnant teachers, then I have to listen to other teachers talk about their children. Do I ever want to just scream and walk away? Well of course! But I can't.

Being a first grade teacher is a constant reminder of what I can't have right now.

Oh you are still young!

When people find out that you are having problems conceiving the answers you get are: "Oh you are still young!" "It must be in God's plan for it not to happen now" "Just hang in there, it will happen when it happens". But honestly, for me, those answers just make it worse. I also know that there is not anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.

From the moment Ryle and I started trying to conceive, I became an emotional wreck. His whole family was pregnant and having babies. And I'm not just saying that to be dramatic. Literally his whole family - with the exception of his sister and one cousin! I cannot even explain how it feels to be surrounded by pregnant ladies when they have what you want most in this world. Yes, I know it's called being jealous. But it's more than that. I would give anything and everything to have what they have. I have this hole in my life/heart that needs to be filled. I am spending thousands of dollars to get what they have, but it comes so easily to them. Why is that? Is it really God's plan for me to suffer and go through all this pain? Is is supposed to make me stronger? I'm not so sure anymore. But that's a whole other topic.

It got to the point to where I could not even look at pregnant women or at pictures of babies. I had to delete everyone from my facebook page that had a baby ... including Ryle's family. I know, that's a terrible thing to do and it did cause some problems with a few members of his family recently. But it's a decision that I had to make for myself. I didn't do it to hurt anyone or make them feel like I don't like them. I did it for me. I did it so that I can still get on facebook without crying. I did it for my emotional health. If I don't have to look at what everyone else has then it somewhat helps me forget what I am missing out on. Don't get me wrong - it doesn't help 100% and it doesn't take away all of my pain, but it helps.

I've come to this conclusion ... no one will ever understand how I feel about the situation until they go through it. No one. My own husband, Ryle, did not even understand how I felt until a few weeks ago. He called me selfish because I did not want to go visit his family one day. Let me just say, that having your husband - the man that is going through this process with you say that you are being selfish ... well it hurts. A lot. There's no other way to explain it. Isn't he of all people supposed to understand? Well it took me having a breakdown for him to understand. I literally had to cry from 7pm one night to noon the next day for him to understand how I felt. And even now, I'm not 100% sure that he understands. But he is trying and that's all I can really ask for.

Injectables

Let me just start by saying "OUCH" - for many reasons. Basically, the injectables cost $82 a vial. We ordered 14 vials plus one vial of HCG for $60 - OUCH ($1208). But the good news is that the vials lasted for two cycles!

For our first cycle of Femara and Repronex, I did Femara for 10 days and 5 shots. I had no idea how much I would hate the shots - they left huge red spots on my stomach (about the size of a half dollar). The injection site itched and hurt like hell (OUCH). I could not even touch my stomach! My poor puppies did not like it either because they couldn't jump up on me anymore. At the end of the the five days I was polka dotted! It was terrible. But I must say that I have the best husband in the world - he did an amazing job giving me the shots each day.

The first cycle of Femara and Repronex was a success - I had one follicle that was ready. We did the IUI and my husband had a good sperm count. So again - I had to wait two weeks for the results. Disappointment, yet again. This was really hard - we both got our hopes up. We bought a baby name book and started talking about all kinds of plans. There's nothing like getting your hopes up just to have them crash. The day I took the home pregnancy test ... well let's just say I was a basket case. I was miserable and he was miserable. I know he doesn't like seeing me like that.

Since I did get one good follicle, we decided to do the same treatment plan. Again, success with two good follicles - although, we did end up using more Repronex shots this round. It seemed that the follicles did not want to grow as fast, but they finally got there! Second IUI - we didn't get our hopes up as much. We didn't even talk about it afterwards. It was like nothing had happened. But again ... no baby.

Now the specialists tells us that we must go to the straight injectable treatment plan. 14 shots in the stomach in one month. (OUCH) This was a terrible ride home. I cried the whole way. First of all, it will be about a $1600-2000 cycle. Second of all, I would have to go in every 2-3 days for blood work and ultrasounds - I only have a limited number of sick days available. I don't know how people take off work all the time for this. This is where we are ... waiting for the money and time to start the injectable cycle.

Basically what I have learned up to this point is that the infertility road is not an easy road to be on. It's a terrible roller coaster ride with many ups and downs.

*Just a side note. I work with the best group of ladies in the world. A teacher told me today with tears in her eyes, that if I ever needed a surrogate, she would do it for me. I gave her a big hug and told her that if I ever come to that stage that she's my girl. At the time I thought it was super sweet, but the more I think about it, the more tears that come to my eyes. Thank you Kelly, you have no idea how much that means to me! And lets just hope that I don't get to that stage!

The Wait

If I have learned anything from this experience, it is that you must have patience. I learned to wait. I made my appointment with the fertility clinic in January 2010 - there was a 3 month new patient wait. On my first visit they do the fun hour long "interview" to get all of your background information, an exam, and tons of bloodwork. Well they couldn't get me back in for 6 more weeks to go over the results. And then when I did go back, they didn't do the right bloodwork ... therefore I had yet another wait. All I wanted was an answer at this point. Is there a reason I'm not getting pregnant?

Finally it was decided that I have PCOS. They gave me more Clomid. It didn't work the first cycle, so we did Clomid with Dexamethasone. It also didn't work.

So now we moved on to Femera. And YAY! Finally I ovulated ... but did not get pregnant. I was ok with not being pregnant this cycle because I finally made some progress. Not a lot, but it felt like a huge step!

However, the next month on Femera I did not ovulate. This hurt a lot, I had gotten my hopes up on this drug. It was like starting all over. The doctor said that we should keep trying it. So we did. The next cycle produced good follicles ... but with no success. We still got a negative pregnancy test.

My doctor then suggested that we stay on Femera but add Repronex (injectables) and move on to IUIs instead of timed intercourse. Basically we now have to move on to the expensive treatment plan. I didn't take this news well. It was a terrible 2 hour ride home for me ... and for my husband because he had to listen to me!

Hello!

Ok this is my first post. I'm sure no one will read this, but a friend I work with told me that writing things down will help me cope with this "problem" I have. My problem being that I can't get pregnant. No matter how hard we try. So this is me trying to help myself feel better.

I haven't been to see the specalist in a while due to lack of money and husband. Well, let me rephrase ... my husband has been out of town working over the past few months and it's very hard to have a baby with no sperm (just incase you didn't know).

A few months ago I started a journal that I wanted to keep private - even from my husband, but that didn't happen. He read it. So I stopped writing in it. This is me trying to get back into it. Since I won't be going to the specalist anytime soon, I will use the next few posts to "document" what has happened in our story so far.

I married the man of my dreams July 22, 2008. It was the best day of my life. I knew he was the right man for me. I do not know how I could survive without him. I stopped taking my birth control a month before we got married. I knew that it would take a while to get out of my system since I had been taking it for like 6 years. After a few months with no period I go to see my gynocologist. He gave me progesterone to induce a period. He also gave me Clomid. I was on Clomid for 6 cycles with my regular doctor. Every month he would go up on the dosage. My husband was also checked 3 times - he was not the problem. Finally he told me that I would need to see a specalist.

At this point I am pretty scared. No one ever likes to hear that they need to go to a specalist. And it also just made me want to have a baby more ...