I had several people at work today tell me that they cried when they read my blog. I just want to say "Thank You!" for reading it. I really didn't think that anyone would read it. This was just a way for me to get all of my feelings out. I've kept it in for so long and it really does feel good letting it out.
I have gotten very good at pretending that everything is alright; I've also gotten good at putting on a smile. My sister-in-law told me today that she thinks everyone in the family (and everyone in general) is just now understanding how hurt I am. But the thing is that I don't think anyone understands just how hurt I really am. How could they know? I keep it all in.
Facebook is the devil. Honestly! Every time I get online, I find out that someone else is pregnant. I don't understand why it happens for everyone else so easily. I know, I know ... it will happen when it's supposed to happen. Blah ... Blah ... Blah.
So I got a cute dress in the mail the other day - it's my Easter dress. This year we are supposed to go visit Ryle's family in Natchez. All I can think about is that I am going to be miserable. I'm going to have to put on a smile, look at babies, pregnant ladies, and the family members that hurt me with their words recently. It's not fair of me to ask Ryle to stay home. He hasn't seen his family in a while. I already asked him not to go for Christmas, and we didn't. So now I have to go. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. If I make the two hour drive there without crying it will be a miracle! Maybe his family has at least learned not to ask me when we are going to have a baby. Their favorite question is "When are the two of you going to have one of your own?!". And all we can say is "We are working on it". Which isn't even true at this point.
Yesterday I had the exact amount of money that I need for my medicine in my hands and my husband told me that we couldn't use it. I had a breakdown. All I could do was cry. It was like a huge slap in the face. The money was is my hands, but his work is so slow right now, that we need the money for other things. I understand that, and I know it's true. But this is how I see it: that was my chance to go back to the Shreveport Fertility Clinic. Now I have to wait even longer while everyone else goes on with their happy lives.
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