Saturday, March 12, 2011

Birthday Dreams

I want to start this post by saying "Thank You" to my friends Cindy, Lane, Tyler, and Katie! Your birthday surprise was the best!! For everyone else, I come home at 11pm last night to find balloons and a wreath in my yard. It all says Happy Birthday, but it says 40 years young! It also has socks that say "the big four-oh". I loved it so much that I decided to take a picture with it so everyone could see!

So in case you haven't figured it out, today is my birthday. I'm now 26 years old. I'm not excited about getting older. Not because I don't want to be old, but because I'm getting older without my dream.

When I was younger, I always thought that I would have all of my kids by the time I was 27. I wanted to be the cool, young mom. I wanted to have my two kids, the perfect house, perfect husband, the dogs running around the yard with the white picket fence. Basically, I wanted the American dream. Well I have everything so far except the kids. Ok, and no white picket fence, but I do have a fence (lol). So much for that dream. I'm not even close to having a kid yet. My birthday reminds me that my dreams haven't come true yet. I'm not saying that I think I will never have kids, I'm just saying that nothing ever happens the way you think it will.

I did everything in the right order ... school, perfect man, career, house, marriage, family vehicle ... now I'm missing the last step: kids. When is it my turn to finish my dreams? It seems like everyone does it out of order now days. People have kids that shouldn't. People give their babies up. People have abortions. People complain about all of the pregnancy symptoms. Well, those people should know that there are others who would give anything to throw up all day, anything to gain weight that way, anything to have a life grow inside of them.

A very sweet lady at work told me yesterday that I was a strong woman. I don't know about that. I don't feel strong. I'm sad, scared, hurt, emotional, lonely, etc. But not strong. If I was strong, all of this wouldn't affect me the way it does.

Last night I added some of Ryle's family back to my facebook page. It was a hard thing to do. I've decided that I just won't get on facebook as often - that way I won't have to look at baby pictures or pregnant ladies. My sister-in-law said that the family should read my blog, but they didn't have access to it since I post my updates on my facebook page. Well, now they do, so let's see if helps them understand. Even if they don't understand, it doesn't really matter. I can't change how people feel or see certain situations. That's out of my control. All I can do is put out there how I feel, and that's what this blog is all about.

Anyway, it's my birthday and I want to spend the day with my husband! Hopefully I can keep my mind off of the problem at hand ...  Have a great day ... that's what I'm going to try to do!

*As a side note, a lot of people are sending messages to me on facebook about my blog. I just wanted to say that I had no idea so many people were reading it because there were no comments. But thanks for reading it, and thanks for caring!


  1. Kristen,
    I can't imagine how hard this journey is for you. I just wanted you to know that I have prayed numerous times for you and Ryle! I will continue to! I'm so sorry for your pain!

  2. Thanks Carey. It truly is a hard journey to be on.