Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Oh you are still young!

When people find out that you are having problems conceiving the answers you get are: "Oh you are still young!" "It must be in God's plan for it not to happen now" "Just hang in there, it will happen when it happens". But honestly, for me, those answers just make it worse. I also know that there is not anything anyone can say that will make me feel better.

From the moment Ryle and I started trying to conceive, I became an emotional wreck. His whole family was pregnant and having babies. And I'm not just saying that to be dramatic. Literally his whole family - with the exception of his sister and one cousin! I cannot even explain how it feels to be surrounded by pregnant ladies when they have what you want most in this world. Yes, I know it's called being jealous. But it's more than that. I would give anything and everything to have what they have. I have this hole in my life/heart that needs to be filled. I am spending thousands of dollars to get what they have, but it comes so easily to them. Why is that? Is it really God's plan for me to suffer and go through all this pain? Is is supposed to make me stronger? I'm not so sure anymore. But that's a whole other topic.

It got to the point to where I could not even look at pregnant women or at pictures of babies. I had to delete everyone from my facebook page that had a baby ... including Ryle's family. I know, that's a terrible thing to do and it did cause some problems with a few members of his family recently. But it's a decision that I had to make for myself. I didn't do it to hurt anyone or make them feel like I don't like them. I did it for me. I did it so that I can still get on facebook without crying. I did it for my emotional health. If I don't have to look at what everyone else has then it somewhat helps me forget what I am missing out on. Don't get me wrong - it doesn't help 100% and it doesn't take away all of my pain, but it helps.

I've come to this conclusion ... no one will ever understand how I feel about the situation until they go through it. No one. My own husband, Ryle, did not even understand how I felt until a few weeks ago. He called me selfish because I did not want to go visit his family one day. Let me just say, that having your husband - the man that is going through this process with you say that you are being selfish ... well it hurts. A lot. There's no other way to explain it. Isn't he of all people supposed to understand? Well it took me having a breakdown for him to understand. I literally had to cry from 7pm one night to noon the next day for him to understand how I felt. And even now, I'm not 100% sure that he understands. But he is trying and that's all I can really ask for.

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