Thursday, March 24, 2011

Think what you want to think ...

Ok, so I'm having a great day at work. My kids are being good, we were doing our work. And boom! My phone alerts me that I have a message on my facebook post. Someone in Ryle's family is mad that I said people do things out of order now days. My students think my dog died because I was crying and had to call my husband. I literally love my class. I got a note from a student today that said "Im sorre, whut ever hapened"! I love the spelling and I love that they care. But I had to explain that Mrs. Stone was just sad and my puppy didn't die. You can read the comment at the bottom.

I'm going to start by saying, this is why I deleted everyone with babies in the first place. Maybe it needs to go back to that, I don't know. Or maybe I should delete facebook altogether. Who knows. But this post is also not meant to hurt or offend anyone, but I am going to respond to the comment, because well, that's what this blog is for!

Anyway, in no way, shape, or form, did I mention that someone specifically in his family did things out of order. No way did I mean to hurt or offend you. But, let's be honest. Not too many people these days do things in the "proper" order. There really isn't even a "proper" order anymore. And just so you know Annie**, I didn't get the responses from your family that I didn't like because I was talking crap about doing things out of order. I got the response from Mitch**;before I even had this blog. And it had nothing to do with that. If you must know, he was mad that I deleted him from facebook. But its ok because now he isn't on Ryle's facebook either. Now, are you satisified?

And yes, I do realize that the biterness, resentment, and depression can make my body not respond the way it is supposed to. So that is why I am on antidepressants. And I don't expect God to give me a baby because I pout and complain about this. Actually, I'm not trying to pout at all. I'm not trying to complain either. Sorry if you see it that way, but that's not what this is supposed to be. It's supposed to be a way to get my feelings out.

I'm awake, and I have smelled the roses. I am thankful for my husband, my family, and everything I have. Just because I am depressed and don't want to be around babies does not mean that I'm not thankful.

I find it crazy, that four other members of his family sent me nice messages and then I get one that makes me sit down in the middle of my classroom and cry. But I'm past the being sad stage, I'm angry. I'm mad. I had to call my husband and send my mother-in-law a message that says I will not be at Easter this year - again. I can't do it. For the past month, I have been talking myself up and "preparing" myself for Easter. I have told myself that I can do it, I will make it, it's only a few hours. But you know what? I don't really give a flying flip. I'm not going. I'm not going to make myself endure that for people who can't understand or at least try to understand. Ryle is welcome to go be with his family, although I doubt he will because he is mad too. So I will spend Easter with my family and have a great time in my new dress!

**OK so I was going to post names on here, but I decided to change the names to "protect" those involved. They know who they are, and most others know who they are too. And yes, I feel 1,000 times better after posting this!

***Ok I know this post is confusing without reading what triggered it... so here it is:
"ok first of all Kristen,i have read ur posts on ur infertility and first thing imma say is our family would love and adore u if u let us, but talkin crap about how we all can get pregnant in THE WRONG ORDER is why u get the responses u get from us. God sees the WHOLE PICTURE, if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant OUTTA ORDER as u say, many times, then i would probably be dead right now bc my baby girl was my life saver, so i thank the lord everyday that the mistake I made by not getting married and the "order" thing came out the way it did. you dont realize that all this bitterness u have when u see babies and all the mourning your having from not getting pregnant and all the depression and anxiety can cause ur body not to become pregnant. Depression is a serious thing it can be fatal to u and especially to an unborn child! Imma nurse I have studied all this inside and out! Spend ur time being happy and put it in Gods hands bc he's not gonna give u what u want if u pout long enough or complain long enough...he's gonna give it to you when you are ready.....and staying away from everyone and being miserable aint doin nothin but pro-longing ur expectations. You need to wake up and smell the roses and be thankful for what u do have instead of making yourself miserable dwelling on what u dont have cuz its not good for you inside and out. You will have u a baby one day honey, stop stressin and jus go w the flow and relax! love ya and i know it hurts im not saying it dont! but ur goin bout it wrong by letting yourself be miserable!!!!!!!!"

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