Summer Vacation

Yay! It's finally here -- summer vacation! I get two whole months off of school! I'm so excited!

I'm getting red highlights put in my hair today - my first summer activity. Actually, I'm sitting under the dryer as I type. I'm nervous, but Steph is the best hair dresser in the world, so I know it will be fine!

I couldn't decide on a new blog name, so for now, it will stay this way. If you have any suggestions just leave a comment. Thanks

Graduation Week

It's that time of year again ... Graduation. I always get excited for this time of year because it means its time for summer break. (ONLY 5 MORE DAYS UNTIL SUMMER) But this year was extra special. My brother, William, and his Girlfriend, Megan (aka My Happy Pill), both graduated from High School. I'm not going to lie . . . it made me feel OLD! I realized my HS graduation was eight years ago! Geez! In two more years it will be time for my ten year reunion. I also got to see one of my other brothers, Bryan. He lives in New Orleans because he is in PT school so we hardly ever get to visit with him. Basically, it was a pretty good weekend -- I have no complaints. Here are some pictures of the amazing weekend!

William and Megan

William and Bryan

Bryan, William, Mom, Matthew, and Me - all of my brothers!!

Also, my blog has been added to a website that lists a whole lot of infertility blogs, it's called Stirrup Queens. I was pretty excited. I'm number 144 on this list. But if you just like reading blogs, you should check out her list. She has tons. I linked you directly to the page that my blog is listed on, but she has several categories - I just happened to be under the IUI category. Anyway - it's a great site if you want to check it out.

On another note, I only have six more days of Progesterone pills left. I'm so ready to start my round of shots. I don't know if it's the time of year or what, but I am so ready. We have another baby shower at work Tuesday. I don't think I can go. I gave another coworker some money so that she could go by a gift because I'm not even sure I could handle that. In fact, I know that I couldn't. I would not be able to walk up and down those isles without getting upset and thinking about what I don't have or what I don't get to experience. It's depressing and I feel like a terrible friend for not going to her shower. All I can say is that I hope she understands since a few months ago she was where am I now.

Back in the Saddle . . .

Ok. Ryle and I had our first visit (after a very long six months) with the RE today. His name is Dr. Vandermelon - but I'm going to call him "Dr. V" for short. It was an okay visit. Let me just back up a little bit for you and explain the past two days!

Yesterday was a day spent on the telephone! Literally I was on the phone all day long. I had to call the bank and up my debit card limit so I could purchase my $1200 worth of medicine! Which, by the way, I got in the mail today!! Then I had to call the RE's office to ask some questions. When the nurse called me back, we discussed how many vials of medicine to order and she answered all of my questions about my cylce. I know it sounds terrible that a 26 year old woman doesn't know about her own cycle, but believe me, it's confusing if you are as irregular as I am. I can go months without one -- but that's a whole other story. Anyway, then I was told that I needed to come in for an ultrasound, which meant that I needed to find a substitute. Well it took me about two hours of calling all of the usual subs that we use, but I finally found one! And then I had to call and order my medicine - another 30 minute conversation. Basically, the bottom line is that yesterday was a wasted day - a day spent on the phone. But I was in a great mood. Everyone said that I seemed happier and my husband was happy that I was finally happy!

So we got up at 5:30 this morning to get ready for our long drive to Shreveport. I was a nervous wreck! I forgot how the drive makes me think about everything that could happen on the visit ... it makes me worry about stuff that I shouldn't even be thinking about in the first place. I should have just been happy to finally be back with Dr. V!  And I am happy - but I was still nervous.

When we finally got there I calmed down a little - or so I thought. If you have never been with someone to a baseline ultrasound appointment, well let's just say this: it's not a girl's favorite thing to do. We don't usually like getting ultrasounds done while we are on our period ... and no it's not the ultrasound like when your pregnant! That's all I'm going to say about it. Well we had to sit in that room for almost an hour this morning waiting on him and I was his second patient of the day! This gave me some more time to think. I just had a bad feeling. I knew he was going to give me some kind of bad news. I could just feel it. I guess it's the woman's intuition thing.

So basically what we learned is that I'm not really on my period. I mean I am ... just heavy spotting ... not like what I should have. The lining of my uterus was really thick - because I have not had a cycle since March. So he is putting me on Progesterone pills for 10 days. I will take one pill a day for 10 days. After that, I should have an "actual" period within another 10 days. I will have to call on day 1 of my cycle and go in for another baseline ultrasound and then we can start the round of injectables. At first I thought this was a bad thing because I wanted to start NOW! I do not like to wait for things - not at all. But the more I think about it, the better it sounds. I get to finish the last week of school without missing any days and then we can start with Dr. V in the summer where I will have nothing holding me back.

While we were there, I also asked him how many IUI's he lets his patients do before he moves them onto IVF. He said for normal women who have no problems, he gives them 3 IUIs to get pregnant. For women with problems like me (no ovulation, etc.) he gives them 6 IUIs. Well this will be IUI #4 for me! Scary! I only have three more tries to get pregnant. I don't even want to think about that because we canNOT afford IVF. We simply cannot afford that. He also said that if this IUI does not work, then he wants to check my tubes. (I forgot to ask how he does that -- guess I get to Google something now.) I have not had this done yet, and he would atleast like to rule out blocked tubes. So the good news from today is that we got a game plan! But I'm going to try not to worry about any of that because I know that this IUI is going to work. That's what I want the most ... I just want a happy ending!

Decision Made!

Ok, well I have been in a yuck mood ever since last Thursday. I just can't get it out of my mind that this was my chance to be at the doctor. I feel that I have been patient and waited just like Ryle asked me to do. Heck, I've even waited longer than I agreed to. I feel like it's my turn to go and my turn to finally be happy. Is that being selfish? Is that wanting or asking too much? I don't think so.

I forgot part of my lunch this morning, and Ryle had to bring it to me at school. He asked what was wrong and I immediately started crying and said that I only have 9 days left of school and still can't go to the doctor. (All of this in front of my class) He got mad and left - of course. That's how it is these days - we get into a discussion and then we get upset, so we don't talk about it anymore. That's our routine. I guess we are supposed to act like everything is ok and perfect - like nothing ever happened. But guess what?! I can't do that! Everything is not ok and it sure as heck is not perfect!

One of my friends told me that I should take matters into my own hands if I want it so badly. So I started thinking about how much I want to be in Shreveport and I only saw one way to get there: Take my Dad up on his offer. I asked Ryle what he thought about taking my Dad's money and all he said was "I want my happy wife back". I feel like a terrible daughter - taking my Dad's money when he needs it just as badly. But he promises that I'm not putting him out and that this is a gift. So we are going to go eat dinner with him tonight and get the money. Which means: I CAN ORDER MY MEDICINE TOMORROW!!! AND I SHOULD BE BACK TO THE DOCTOR BY NEXT WEEK or as soon as I start! Woo Hoo! Is that terrible to be so excited? This is all I have wanted for almost six months. I also get a bonus check in June which means that I will be able to get another cycle's worth of medicine for July or I can pay my Dad back if I do get pregnant off of the first cycle.

I'm going to try and stay postive this time around, but it's such an emotional journey and sometimes it's hard to be positive about it. But I just want everyone to know that I have the best father in the whole entire world! Thank you Daddy - this means for than you will ever know!

Terrible Thursday . . . and Friday the 13th

Well the title is really the only way that I know to describe these past two days.

Yesterday started off to be a good day. My kids were being pretty well behaved - for the end of the year anyway - and my husband brought me lunch at school. I couldn't wait to get home because we were going to pack for our weekend out of town and Megan was coming over to stay. But then I checked the mail .... and all hell broke loose.

We got one of those pre-approved loans in the mail, the kind where all you have to do is cash the check. You know? Well believe it or not, it was for $1205 - almost the exact amount that I needed for my medicine. I wanted to cash the check so badly, but Ryle said no we don't need to. So we started fighting and I went to lay down in bed just to get away from everything. While I was laying down, my Mother came over to get something and Ryle told her why we were fighting. So what does my Mom do? She tears up the damn check. Oh my gosh. I cannot begin to tell you how mad that made me. She said "Blame it on me, not Ryle because he didn't tear it up". I don't give a crap who tore it up. It was MY check. It had MY name on it. What gives her the right to take that away from me. I don't know whether we were going to cash it or not, but it should have been my choice. I should have at least been able to talk to Ryle about it some more and we should have been able to make that choice together. Her reasoning is that she was saving me from spending $3200 ... but guess what it wasn't that much. It was a loan you pay off in ten months and the finance charge was like $200. I'm still so mad ... and hurt. I literally sat in the bathroom for an hour and cried. Ryle and I got into an even bigger fight - yelling and slamming doors (I think we even broke one). We have never had a fight like that. It was a terrible Thursday.

No one understands why that check meant so much to me. Yes, I know that I do not need a loan. My dad is offering to pay for one treatment or cycle. But he needs his money just as much as I do. I don't want to take his money. To me, this check was a way to get back to the doctor. Hell, it wasn't even enough to get me back to the doctor ... it was just enough to buy the medicine. Ryle says, lets just save and go back when we have the money. But lord help me ... we will never be able to just save $2500 dollars - NEVER. Why doesn't he get that. Sure we could save it maybe in like a year. But I can't wait that long. I agreed to take ONE MONTH OFF and it has now been almost SIX MONTHS. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of putting this on hold. I shouldn't have to put this on hold. Someone asked me, isn't it enough just having Ryle and being together? You are going to think that I am a horrible person, but no ... it's not enough. Ryle can't fill the hole in my heart ... that hole can only be filled by a baby. So no, I guess love isn't enough....

Then today I get a freaking speeding ticket. Add that to the list of bills I have to pay before I go back to the specialist. We went to see one of my younger brothers play baseball in a state tournament. We lost - also adds to the past two days of terror.

I feel like I did in January - severely depressed. I stopped taking my anti-depressants about a month ago because I didn't think they were working. I guess I shouldn't have done that. I also talked to Fred a little bit today ... he always helps. But the bottom line is that I'm mad, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm a whole lot of things that I don't know how to explain. I just want someone to understand how badly I want/need this. But no one does. No one gets it - not even my own husband.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all of the lucky women that get to enjoy being a Mom.

I only cried once today so I guess that's a plus. I don't know if anyone knew how hard today was for me. Well, I take that back ... my Dad knew. He sent me text messages throughout the day to check on me. I worked in my Mom's flowerbeds all day as her Mother's Day gift. And then we had dinner with Ryle's parents tonight. I guess keeping busy helped me keep my mind off of everything. My Mom also gave me some pink roses, which put a smile on my face (she handed them to me and said they were for her favorite daughter (but I'm her only daughter haha).

I know that it's not right of me to be "selfish" and want to celebrate Mother's Day for me, but that's how I feel. I want to celebrate it because I'm a Mom. All last week, I helped my kids at school make Mother's Day presents for their Moms. It wasn't anything fancy, but I know that their Mom's will cherish it - because it's from their child. I want that. I want to hang something that my child made me on our refrigerator. I guess I need to remember what Fred said, and take myself out of it. I just need to enjoy what I have at the moment, but that's such a hard thing to do.

That's all I really know to say. It was a hard day. I just want to be a Mom ... but then again, everyone already knows that.

Quotes That I Love

Ok, so you know me, I love Google! I spent all day at school in a funky mood. It was Play Day - we literally played all day long. I just felt like coming home and looking up some infertility quotes. Here are some quotes that I just love (I put an * beside my favorites!):

* “If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?”

“Only caffeine and chocolate can rejuvenate the infertile soul.”

* “Don’t cry over spilt milk (unless you’re crying because you don’t have breast milk, then it’s okay to cry).”

* “Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the hell is everyone pregnant but me?”

“It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.”

“Life isn’t about trying to weather the storm. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”

‎”Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning.”

* “Nature has got it all wrong: When you are younger, it should be harder to get pregnant, and as you get older it should be easier. When you are so ready, you can’t do it to save your life. And when you are 21, you are so not ready, but you are ripe as could be. The eggs should become more developed the older you get, not die slowly from the day you’re born. That’s one thing God got wrong.” – Halle Berry

I found this on another infertility website and I just absolutely love it:
*Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
I will be a wonderful mother, not because of genetics, or money or that I have read books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother

* "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Mary Angelou

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."

"To achieve the life you want, you must first give up the life you have." - Carolyn Myss

Infertility A-Z

Stolen from the "And Then There Were Two" Blog

A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 23

B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex

C - Children Wanted: two/three

D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: Three Dogs

E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take: Biotin, Folic Acid, Prenatal Vitamins, Vitex

F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: Clomid, Femera, Progesterone pills and suppositories, and a bunch of others I cannot remember.

G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: Lots of tears and family drama

H - HSG:  Nope

I - Infertile Pet Peeve: The amount of money treatments cost

J - Job Title: Teacher

K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken:  Kinsley, Riley, Bentley, and I'm sure a lot more that I have written down in my Baby Name Book that I refuse to look at

L - Lengh of Time TTC: 3 years in July

M - Miscarriages: None - I can't even get pregnant

N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: None - I like my doctors

O - Overian Quality: Not great - cannot ovulate on my own and PCOS - do not produce good eggs

P - POAS or Wait for AF: I have done both. With one IUI, I could not wait, so I had to pee on a stick (POAS) and with the other IUIs Aunt Flo (AF) showed her ugly head before I had the chance to use the stick.

Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile:  I'll give you my kids for a few days and then you'll change your mind. I hate that! I'm not going to change my mind people - I want this. Can't you get that?

S - Sperm: His sperm are great! Not the problem.

T - Time you Tried Naturally: one year before going to the RE - threw out the BCP on our wedding day July 22, 2008.

U - Uterus Quality: Good

V - Vagina: Yes?! It's normal too.

W - What Babt Stuff do you Already Have:  I have a blanket that a coworker bought me.

X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it!  How many people know about your TTC Journey:  Everyone - basically - I am very open about it. I mean I do have a blog for crying out loud. 

Y - Yearly Exam: Yes

Z - Zits: Not sure what this has to do with Infertiliy but yes I get them from time to time.

In-Vitro

I've been thinking a lot lately. I think that I want to tell the doctor that I would like to do in-vitro and skip all of the IUIs. So I was telling Ryle about this the other day and of course he says no. Why? Because we can't afford it. Yes, I know we can't. But we can't afford any cycle right now. This is how I feel about it ... we have had three IUIs with no success, so why not skip to the "big thing". Of course, I cried and cried. It seems that he is always telling me no. I know that he is saying it with a good reason - always the same reason - money. But either way, we are going to end up taking a loan out  to have a baby. I just know it. And there is this little voice in the back of my head that tells me the IUIs are not going to work. I guess I feel that it hasn't worked yet; therefore, it's not going to. But what do I know, right?

We went to Walmart the other day, and of course, it's one holiday after another. This time it's Mother's Day.  I was looking for a card for my mom and picked up one for a new mom. I should have known better. But the cards were all mixed up and the new mom card was in the wrong place. I started crying. Life is so unfair. I get through one holiday and then get smacked in the face with another one. So now I am dreading Mother's Day.

On another note, Megan bought me something this week:

My "Happy Saturday" from Megan.

She is highlighting what she thinks is important right now. So this will definitely be my next book to read! I'm sure it will make me cry, but then again, everything seems to make me cry now. I also bought a Bible this week, it's the cutest thing ever! I didn't even own a Bible and Megan's comment was "Kristen - even hotels have Bibles". To be honest, everyone keeps telling me that they think God is doing to this to us to bring us back to him. But I'm not sure. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

My new Bible