Ok, well I have been in a yuck mood ever since last Thursday. I just can't get it out of my mind that this was my chance to be at the doctor. I feel that I have been patient and waited just like Ryle asked me to do. Heck, I've even waited longer than I agreed to. I feel like it's my turn to go and my turn to finally be happy. Is that being selfish? Is that wanting or asking too much? I don't think so.
I forgot part of my lunch this morning, and Ryle had to bring it to me at school. He asked what was wrong and I immediately started crying and said that I only have 9 days left of school and still can't go to the doctor. (All of this in front of my class) He got mad and left - of course. That's how it is these days - we get into a discussion and then we get upset, so we don't talk about it anymore. That's our routine. I guess we are supposed to act like everything is ok and perfect - like nothing ever happened. But guess what?! I can't do that! Everything is not ok and it sure as heck is not perfect!
One of my friends told me that I should take matters into my own hands if I want it so badly. So I started thinking about how much I want to be in Shreveport and I only saw one way to get there: Take my Dad up on his offer. I asked Ryle what he thought about taking my Dad's money and all he said was "I want my happy wife back". I feel like a terrible daughter - taking my Dad's money when he needs it just as badly. But he promises that I'm not putting him out and that this is a gift. So we are going to go eat dinner with him tonight and get the money. Which means: I CAN ORDER MY MEDICINE TOMORROW!!! AND I SHOULD BE BACK TO THE DOCTOR BY NEXT WEEK or as soon as I start! Woo Hoo! Is that terrible to be so excited? This is all I have wanted for almost six months. I also get a bonus check in June which means that I will be able to get another cycle's worth of medicine for July or I can pay my Dad back if I do get pregnant off of the first cycle.
I'm going to try and stay postive this time around, but it's such an emotional journey and sometimes it's hard to be positive about it. But I just want everyone to know that I have the best father in the whole entire world! Thank you Daddy - this means for than you will ever know!
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