This is me being selfish ...

I'm sure this post will make my family even more upset with me .... But this is me being selfish I guess. My blog is a place for my thoughts and feelings. You do not have to keep reading it if it is going to upset you.

Well apparently I'm a selfish daughter/sister who holds grudges to hurt other people. It always feels good to have your own family tell you that. Two of the people that I'm pretty close to or thought I was close to don't even get it.

This was the worst Christmas I have ever had. I cried all Christmas Eve, half the night Chistmas night, all day the day after Christmas, and at least half the day today. You wouldn't think I would have any tears left, but apparently I do. My eyes actually hurt from crying so much.

When I found out on Christmas Eve that Matt and Morgan were coming to my house for Christmas the first thing I thought was - "how am I going to get away if I have a breakdown". I know you are thinking why wouldn't he be there. I honestly didn't think he would show. He didn't come to Thanksgiving or our brothers wedding, so why Christmas?! Anyway ... So my husband convinced me to ask if we could move it to my moms house - my mother in law even agreed. That way if I broke down, we could easily get away. Everyone started getting upset and saying that I shouldn't be angry and just enjoy Christmas! But guess what?! I'm not freaking angry! I just wanted a way to leave. I never said I didn't want them there or anything like that. I just wanted to be able to leave if I needed to. Is that so bad?

I finally said forget it, we will keep Christmas at my house. Well there was no way for me to leave if I needed to since I was the host. So my amazing sister in law and hubs drank with me for a while to take the edge off. And guess what? When Matt and Morgan got there I didn't break down. Was I sad, yes! And I didn't speak to them. But for me to be in the same room was an accomplishment. And at least 3 of my loved ones got that! So thank you for understanding - you know who you are!

Then while I'm trying to hold it together I get asked if I would be upset if it was another brother who was having a baby! In front of everyone! And I didn't lie. My answer was yes! It doesn't matter who it is, it's the fact that it's a baby! Why doesn't anyone get that?! Long story short because I'm not going into all the details of that but now my family thinks I'm asking them not to live their lives and they think I'm wishing my infertility problems on them. You can call me selfish and say I'm holding grudges all you want. But that just let's me know that they truly don't understand me or my feelings. Because this is the worst pain and hurt and I would wish it on no one.

I told Matt (even though he won't reply to my texts) and my sister in law the same thing. I will love your babies no matter what because I love you, but that doesn't make it any easier or make it hurt any less. The pain is still there. The void is still there. It doesn't matter who the parents are, the pain still comes when others can get so easily what I have so desperately struggled to have. Do I want to be an aunt, no. But not because I don't want my siblings to not have kids. It's because I'm not emotionally ready to handle it. And yes I know that I'm already going to be one and I can't do anything about it. And it hurts. But I will still love their kids and be in their lives because they are my family and I truly love them- even when we don't see eye to eye.

I'm sorry everyone is upset with me but let me ask you something. If there was something that hurt you so badly that you emotionally broke down and were depressed about, would you want to be around it? No you wouldn't. So avoiding babies and pregnant women protects ME! I'm doing it to protect myself from breaking down so if that makes me selfish or means I'm holding a grudge then oh well! I'm doing what I need to do for me I'm not doing it to hurt others.

I understand that none of you were there each month when I got a negative test or got my period or had to listen to the doctor tell me again that it didn't work. I understand you didn't have to mourn the loss of what you hoped to have each month. I understand it wasn't you that had to take shots twice a day or pump your body full of drugs. I get it. So all I'm asking for is a little understanding. I'm just HURT. It's always there. Never goes away. I hope you never have to go through what I've been through the past 5 1/2 years. But you know what? If you do have to go through it, I can honestly say that I will understand every single moment of disappointment, hurt, and whatever else you feel. And I won't JUDGE you for it.

There's no way for me to make anyone understand unless they've already been through it. So I'm not going to try to anymore. If you all want to call me selfish or say I'm holding grudges then there's nothing I can do about it. That's your choice and your opinion on it.

I would never wish this on anyone and for my OWN family to think that I wish this on them, well that just really hurts my heart even more.