Friday, July 01, 2011


Well, I get up at 6:30 this morning and get ready to go give some blood for my pregnancy test. When I start to put on my make-up, I kind of hesitated for a minute. I couldn't decide if I should wear the waterproof mascara or not. Silly, I know. Because even though I feel that I'm not pregnant because of the spotting and cramping, there is still this thing in the back of my mind that says it's possible. None the less, I decided on waterproof - better to be safe than sorry.

Ryle and I don't speak for the whole 2 hr ride over there. I don't know why, I'm guessing because he knows how hard this day is for me. Well we get there, I sign in, and then BOOM! The nurse informs me that I owe $700 because my insurance decides that they are no longer going to pay for my treatments. She says that it's not just me, but everyone who has BCBS with Office of Group Benefits. She even tells me that the insurance company paid about $2,000 for one lady, but now they want their money back! I start to break down almost immediately! Ryle gets upset, I get upset. But what do you do? I mean, it's not like I'm going to call the insurance company and complain because I don't want them to ask for their money back for the past year of claims they paid! The nurse said we were lucky that they paid for a year because infertility is not covered by any insurance. I just have terrible luck.

Anyway, I gave my blood and I am now waiting on a call from the nurse to get the news. I don't know what we are going to do. I feel like if I'm not pregnant, maybe we should just give up. Maybe I'm not meant to be a mom, or God thinks that I'm not fit to be a mom. I don't know anymore. I do know that I'm sad (I cried for the whole 2 hr ride home). I'm back to the point to where I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, all I want to do is sleep - ALL DAY!  I think it may be time for some "happy pills" again. I can't take much more disappointment right now.

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