Shocked!

Ryle told me today that if this IUI didn't work, he wanted to try IVF. I was so shocked! It's very unlike him to jump to the expensive option when we still have 2 trys left on the less expensive one! But this made me happy, because it's really what I want to do as well. There's just one little problem ... yep, you guessed it: MONEY! Where the hell are we supposed to find 10-15,000 just lying around?

Trying

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but it's a really hard thing to do. I started the 100mg of progesterone suppositories on Saturday night. I take them twice a day: 100mg in morning and 100mg at night. Now I have started cramping and yesterday I started to have light spotting. So, my guess is that I'm not pregnant. I have a feeling that my wonderful monthly friend will show up very soon. If only Friday would get here sooner, then I would have a definite answer. I can't stand waiting.

If I'm not pregnant, we will be taking a break for several reasons. The number one reason is the money. We just can't afford it right now. We need to pay some bills off first. Secondly, Dr. London told us that we would have to take a break simply because I had so many folliciles and my body would not be able to get rid of them all. So that's what we will do, we will take a month or two off and try to save some money for the next cycle. We will also have my tubes checked during the off months.

Come on Friday!

Cycle Day 25

Today I went back to have my progesterone level checked. It was 14.9 - for a medicated cycle, they like for it to be at least 15. So tonight, I will start progesterone suppositories. I will go back July 1st for a pregnancy test.

Cycle Day 18

Well we did our 4th IUI this morning. We had 62.3 million swimmers. I was prepared for the nurse to come in and do the procedure, but we were highly surprised when Dr. V walked in. I will go back next Saturday for blood work.

So the 2ww (2 week wait) begins. It's the worst two weeks of your life! It's only day one and I am already ready for some results!

Cycle Day 16 **Updated

This was the first trip to Shreveport that I did not cry on the way back. It's been a long time since I was happy on the way home. I'm trying so hard not to get my hopes up. It's a very hard thing to do especially when the doctors tell you that everything is looking great. I don't want to be devastated again in two weeks when I have to take a pregnancy test. That's the worst filling in the world. But enough about that right now.

On my right ovary: 11x9, 12x10, 13x10, 11x8, 14x12, 16x10, 9, 8, 8, 14x13, and 20x13mm. We are focusing on the 16x10 and the 20x13. Left ovary: 11x8, 10, 10, 12x8, 13x10, 12x7, 11x8, 11x11, 15x12, 13x11. He said the 15x12 might be mature enough by the time of the IUI. But mainly, we are looking at the right ovary.

I am waiting on the nurse to call with my lab work results. We may end up doing two vials of Repronex this evening, or we could be doing the HCG trigger shot. We will just wait and see what they say. The IUI will either be Saturday or Sunday. In a way, I hope that it's Sunday. How great would it be if we "conceived" on Father's Day? It would be wonderful! See there I go again ... getting my hopes up.

** Update: The nurse called back and my Estrogen level was 1,120. So we will do the HCG trigger shot tonight at 10:30pm and return to the clinic on Saturday at 9am for the IUI.

Cycle Day 13

I had to make the long drive by myself today. Ryle had to work so I went to our appointment alone. I had a blast on the way over there - I got to listen to my music as loud as I wanted, and of course sing along with it. I love Taylor Swift, but Ryle can't stand to listen to her. So I took advantage of my two hour drive by myself and got my "Taylor fill" for the day.

Anyway I got to see Dr. London this morning. On my right ovary there is a: 11x10, 10x10, 6, 6, 6, 6, and a 10mm. On my left there is a: 12x12, 11x10, 9, 8, 12x10, and a 7mm. Basically there are about 5 follicles that are ahead of the others. Those are the follicles that we are going to "feed". While I was there he told me that he could not believe how stubborn my ovaries were being. He actually called them stubborn. But I guess I can believe it, that's just my luck. Dr. London seems to think that I will have 3-5 mature follicles at the end of this mess. He told me that he thought I would need 8-10 more vials of Repronex. I left the office in tears and immediately called Ryle. I don't mind the shots. It's just that we didn't expect to need 25 vials of this stuff. We didn't plan for it.

The nurse called back with my blood work and said that he wants to reduce my dosage. I am now going to do two vials tonight, two tomorrow, and two on Wednesday. She said that I would need to order six vials since I already have two. We will return to the office on Thursday morning for another ultrasound. I asked her why he was reducing it since my ovaries were being stubborn. She said that my Estrogen level went from 81 on Friday to 400 this morning. I have no idea what that has to do with anything, but I plan on asking on Thursday.

Let's just be honest for a minute, I'm a school teacher. I have one of the worst paying jobs in the world! How am I supposed to afford this? Well I can't. No matter how you look at it, I just can't afford it. My Dad and sister-in-law bought the six vials for us today. And I will just add that to the amount that I owe them. It's a never ending list apparently. Ryle and I decided that this would be our last attempt for a while. We can't afford it. This cycle is already more than my monthly paycheck. So if I don't get pregnant off of this IUI, I don't know when I will get to try again. This makes me really sad. I cried the whole way home from Shreveport. After this cycle, we will be over the $5,000 mark. That's depressing to me. This isn't how you are supposed to have a baby. This isn't what we planned ...

Cycle Day 10

To be honest, it hasn't been a very good day for me. We went back for another ultrasound today. And guess what? We didn't see the doctor, we saw the nurse. Well these are the results she got from the ultrasound. Right ovary: 7, 8, 6, 7, 9, 7, 7, 9, and 7mm. Left ovary: 11x9, 6, 12x8, 8, 10x9, 10x7, 9, 10x8, and 7mm.

I was not happy at all with the results. In fact I started crying on the way home - of course Ryle got mad at me. That's all he does these days when I show an emotion that he doesn't approve of. After five vials of Repronex, I just expected the follicles to grow a little more. The nurse tried to reassure me by saying that even though they didn't grow a lot, several of them did "jump ahead". She says that the next set of shots will "feed" those that did jump ahead. So she said the six vials should be enough - that did make me happy.

Well the nurse calls at 4:30 and says that the doctor wants me to do 3 tonight, 2 tomorrow, and 3 on Sunday. Well in case you need help with the math, that's eight vials - not six. So I had to break down and order 2 more - cost $187 (that we don't really have). I really wanted to order two extra incase the doctor said that I needed them for Monday. But we just can't afford to buy them, pay for the IUI, and have money to live on for a week. So let me just say right here, that I have the best sister-in-law ever. She paid for the two extra vials and we will pay her back when I get paid at the end of the month. It stinks only getting paid once a month.

I had a break down today. Maybe I just needed a good long cry, I don't know. But it's the first one I've had in a while. Then Ryle and I got in another fight - over money and my crying. Just once in my life, can't something go according to plan? Am I not meant to have a baby? Is that what God's trying to tell me?

New Dosage

The nurse called back yesterday afternoon and she said that Dr. London wanted me to do 2, 1, 2, and to come back Friday morning at 8:30 for another ultrasound and more blood work. So hopefully all of my follicles will grow! This will leave me with five vials - please let them last so I don't have to order more. I will know Friday morning if he wants me to order more or not. Ryle gave me the first double dose of Repronex last night. It didn't hurt any more than it usually does, but the big red whelp showed up almost immediately. And it itches!!

Cycle Day 7

Well we got up at 5:30 this morning to make it to our 8:15 appointment. The visit went really well. I didn't get to see Dr. V, I had to see Dr. London. Either doctor is fine with me, I just hate it when we only get to see a nurse. I made Ryle record the conversation with the doctor on his phone so that I could remember all of it when we left. I know that sounds silly, but they throw so many numbers, measurements, and other information at you - it's just overwhelming.

So on my right ovary I have a 9, 8, 6, 8, 8, 8, and a 9mm. On the left I have a 6, 7, 8, 9, and a 9mm. Those are the follicle sizes. They like for them to be closer to 18 before we do the trigger shot. They grow 1-2mm a day, but usually more with medicine. Mine have some growing to do!

I am just waiting on the nurse to call so she can tell me the dosage changes that he is making. Dr. London thinks that it will be 2 vials (tonight), 1 vial (tomorrow), 2 vials (Thursday),and then come back in on Friday. Or he said it could be 2 vials each night. He thinks that we might have to order some more Repronex for this cycle. This makes me really sad because that means even more money that we don't have. So cross your fingers and pray that my 10 remaining vials are enough to make it to the IUI!

On another note, I finished the book that Megan gave me, Dear God, Why Can't I Have a Baby? It was a really easy read and it helped knowing that other people felt the same way that I do. It felt good knowing that it's normal to be mad, depressed, jealous, frustrated, sad, happy, well heck - basically every emotion humanly possible. I have felt them all and I'm sure that it's not over yet. I know that God has a plan and I just hope that his plan includes me being a mother. The book talked a lot about couples giving up on the fertility treatments because of money - those couples decided on adoption, but some also chose to live without a child in their lives. I know for a fact I can not do that. That's not an option for me. So I asked Ryle how he felt about adoption, and he said No. He does not want to adopt. I guess he saw the hurt on my face or something, because he said they only way that he would consider that is if they told us we could not ever have our own child. I don't want to stop trying to have our own biological child - that's what I want more than anything, but I just wanted to know how he felt about the adoption option. Well I guess I found out - he does not like it. So that topic is closed and won't be reopened until necessary.

I Would Die For That

This song made me cry ... You will have to scroll down and pause the music on my page in order to hear the song.

Cycle Day 2

Let me just start by saying that Ryle went with me today! Yay! Well my visit with Dr. V was as good as can be expected, I guess. He said I was having a true period this time and that my ovaries were clear - no cysts. He took tons of measurements of both ovaries (this is normal). He also said he saw 17 follicles on the right side and 15 on the left. I found this weird because he has never mentioned seeing them before on our baseline ultrasound visit. Or maybe I just never heard him say it. I don't know. Just because he saw that many doesn't mean anything really. Let's just hope I have some mature enough with the medicine.

He planned for us to start our Repronex shots tomorrow night. I will do one a night for four nights. We will return to the clinic on Tuesday, June 7th, at 8:15 in the morning for another ultrasound and some blood work to see how the follicles are developing.

Right before we left, he said that he wanted to draw some blood today to check for early ovarian aging. Talk about freak me out! I'm 26 and he thinks my ovaries are old! Heck, I know I'm almost 30, but come on! So you know me, I get home and start looking things up on Google. I finally had to stop because it was stressing me out even more. Finally the nurse called me back *at 4pm* and said that the results were normal. So yay! I think that means my ovaries are normal for a 26 year old. At least it will make me feel better to think that they are normal. I know they aren't, I mean they don't even produce mature follicles without help. But I didn't want them to add another problem to my list.

So tomorrow is the big day. The day I've been waiting for. It only took me six months to get back here, but we finally get to start the shots again. I know Ryle enjoys it because he gets to poke me with a needle everyday. But I was thinking about trying to give myself a shot this time. I'm almost sure that I won't be able to, but I think I want to try. We shall see ....

Here we go!

Okay, well I got to call the clinic today to set up my appointment. It's tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. Ryle said he may not be able to go with me. Really it's no big deal - I've been enough times that I'm used to it, it's just nice to have him there. Plus it helps to have two sets of ears because it can be very overwhelming at times. Well that's really all of the news I have at the moment. Just praying that my ultrasound comes out okay so we can start the shots on Friday.